Hotdog & Friends

This caused me to have a significant erection.

by Constable Echelon

Welcome to day one of the Jake Locker era. Welcome to Day One of the Jake Locker Era. That’s better. Seems like a minor change of capitalization between those two sentences, no? That’s the point of this little exercise. There are no small changes on a day like today.

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By Fig Jam

So – ahem -  it appears to be college football season.  Of course I have taken Friday off to properly prepare for UW v. Syracuse, but in the meantime feel it is appropriate to regale you all with this week’s PAC -10 picks.  Feel free to disagree, so long as you accept that you will be wrong in doing so….(I got the lines for these games off of some random betting website.  I assume they are correct but it shouldn’t matter as gambling on college athletics is illegal and you should be ashamed of yourself if you need, desperately need, certain teams to cover certain spreads).

Utah at Oregon State (line: OSU minus 6.5) 

Analysis:  Apparently Oregon State is going to “rotate” Quarterbacks in this game.  This is always a terrible idea and could prove to be fatal for the Beavers.   Utah finished last season 8-5 and won a bowl game for the 6^th straight year.    However, Mike Riley is 13-0 as OSU’s head coach when the Beavers are at home against non PAC-10 opponents.  Reser Stadium has been ‘spiced’ up to seat almost 45,000 tortilla chips this year…. But they still are only going to get 40,000 chips for this game.  A bigger stadium doesn’t make you less of a hick town as it turns out.

Pick:  Oregon State has the best player on the field with Yvenson Bernard running the ball.  So long as whichever QB they have in the game can turn around and hand him the ball, OSU should be ok. They are also at home, so despite the two headed QB debacle, should be the superior team.  OSU wins 28-20.

Washington State at Wisconsin (line: Wisconsin minus 14) 

Analysis:  The Cougars should legitimately suck this year.  They have a decent to moderately good QB with a couple of pretty good receivers, but at the end of the day Bill Doba has not adequately replaced the talent they have lost over the past 2-3 seasons.  Wisconsin, on the other hand, has won more games over the past 3 seasons than any other team in the Big 10 (this is true).  They have PJ Hill running the ball, and WSU has a weak secondary so Wisconsin’s first year starter at QB, Tyler Donovan, will probably have some open receivers to throw to.  Wisconsin’s Defense is also talented and fairly deep. 

Pick:  Wisconsin rolls.  WSU may not get blown out, but they are outclassed on both sides of the ball and on the road.  Wisconsin wins 24-10.

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These are Frank Lampard’s contract demands from Chelsea. What a wanker. Blues suck.

Constable Echelon celebrates the upcoming NFL season by previewing the hometown Seattle Seahawks’ opponents in the NFC West.

Movie Trailer Announcer’s voice:
“Football. Cardinals Football. Arizona. Cardinals. Football.”
(sound of bomb exploding followed by THX digital sound thing)

Nope, doesn’t work. I was trying to make that sound intimidating.

The recent NFC West has operated under two rules. (1) The team touted by pundits as up and comers will not win the division. (2) The Arizona Cardinals will not win the division. Arizona has opened up the field the past couple of seasons by taking up both of the predetermined loser spots themselves. For the upcoming 2007 season the Cards have shed that pesky “Team to Watch!” moniker and are back to simply looking forward to not contending. Let’s have a look at the offense, defense, and intangibles of the gladiators from University of Phoenix Stadium.

(University of Phoenix: Helping America’s Teachers Inflate Their Salaries By Acquiring Dubious Online Master’s Degrees Since Recently.)

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By Fig Jam (on behalf of Driblo, the Lion mascot of “Afrobasket” 2007)

So, is the USA Basketball team good again, or is this just like when the USA soccer team won the Gold Cup by beating up on inferior squads (except Mexico). I ask because I legitimately don’t know. My first guess is that they are good again, but this based largely on looking at the roster and determining that it could never lose. This however, would also have been my impression for the Athens Olympic team which lost three times and took home only the bronze.

Maybe having a college coach (whose last name is a nonsensical assortment of letters… seriously, there is no proper pronunciation for that mess) in there teaching “team” basketball to all these superstars is actually having a positive effect. Maybe the likes of LeBron, Carmelo, and Kobe are all accepting lesser roles that make the whole stronger than the sum of the parts. Maybe they are just kicking the crap out of poor teams that couldn’t win the PAC-10 conference this season. Anyone else have any ideas on this? Can I resume walking around the Puget Sound area with a certain international basketball arrogance again?

by Constable Echelon

I’ve heard the cries from the masses: More Soccer Coverage!! Ask and ye shall receive.

Now I’m not going to bore you with some meandering nonsense about my favorite Premiership side. Who would do that? I’ll write about the one soccer team that people actually watch and enjoy: our US National Team. God bless them.

Quick prem aside: what kind of man would pick one of the big four (Man U, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool) as their favorite team? It’s like rooting for the Yankees or the Red Sox or the Lakers. It’s the equivalent of admitting, “I don’t follow this sport, but from what I can gather this team wins a lot.” There’s no character in that, buttercup.

The mighty US gets Sweden today. Echelon is of Finnish descent, and as such has a few things to say about the Swedes. Swedes are to fjord-ninjas as Koreans are to Asians: the stupidest ones. Notable Swedish accomplishments include stamping their name on the meatball, an alleged bikini team, naming any monarch they find Carl or Gustaf or Carl Gustaf, and a vaguely murderous muppet chef. Tack on an 80% income tax and there you go. Nice country.

My family hails from the Scandanavian upper midwest US, which is chalk full of Lutheran Swedes. On Swedish holidays they gather at the church and claim dubious Swedish ancestry of famous Americans. It’s kind of like how mormans baptize Abraham Lincoln so that he will be on their planets in the afterlife. Each name is followed with, “…and he was a Swede.”

In the mid 80s the head of the Rainbow Coalition (non gay rights wing) ran for president and visited my family’s corner of Wisconsin leading to this family joke of mine:

Yesse Yackson, and he vas a svede.

(We’re easily amused.)

Now onto the game!!

Live from Goteborg, Sweden.

US lineup 4-4-2
Howard (Everton!)
Cherundolo, Onyewu, Bocanegra, Bornstein (sexy)
Feilhaber (Gold Cup Hero), Mastroeni, Bradley (THE FUTURE), Beasley
Donovan, Dempsey

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Troubled former NBA player Eddie Griffin (not Undercover Brother) died in an awesome way last week — by getting slammed by a train and burning to death in the resulting hellfire.

I always liked Eddie Griffin, however his off-court problems seemed to follow him on the court. He showed flashes of brilliance followed by long periods of general malaise. I kept him on my fantasy team in 2005-2006 just because I liked his presence on the bench. Even though his NBA career may have died when he was released by the T-wolves last March, I think Eddie Griffin would have been popping up in the news not infrequently. While I am saddened by his sudden departure, the way things were going for him, this is probably the best death he could have hoped for.

Now everyone should take a moment of remembrance and go masturbate in your car in honor of our sweet prince.

(Editor’s Note: I am posting this on behalf of LS-DubC, who is currently exploring the rainforests of Australia in his brand new used piece of shit Ford that will break down at any moment. You can look at our complete Draft Recap here.

On a personal note, LS-DubC was my offensive coordinator last season. It was a magical time - after a stellar draft that included such stars as Greg Jennings, Randy McMichael, Kurt Warner, Cedric Benson, Randy Moss, and Chris Brown, we guided the Brown Stars to a third place finish…too bad success is penalized in this ex pos facto keeper league run by the Jewish mafia and their puppet commissioner. -Hotdog)

2. (Reggie Bush – RB, NO) ahead of Frank Gore, Willie Parker, and Brian Westbrook…I understand this is a keeper league, but this pick alone has pretty much cemented The Kangaroos in the bottom two for the 16th straight year.
4/11. (Frank Gore/Travis Henry) Obviously getting Gore with the 3rd pick in the keeper league draft is a score, but the question I have is what the hell he is doing in the keeper league draft. Cambini dropped Gore for the 11th pick in the keeper league draft. In my opinion giving up Gore to draft Travis Henry was the worst move in the entire draft. I was the lucky recipient of Mr. Gore so I guess I can’t complain.

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