Tour, Je t’aime

By Constable Echelon

Note: “Established” writers would advise one to put up columns prior to or immediately following the conclusion of the sporting event discussed. In the real world Echelon does things half way, abandons them, and then decides to submit the old thing instead of trying to create something new almost a week after the fact. This is like deleted scenes: only for the heads. PS Who blogs about cycling? Echelon, that’s who. And now the show…

A lot of Euro journos have been declaring le mort de la Tour de France. Moi? I love it!!

Too European for you? I’ll bring it back. Here’s a pertinent exchange from Talladega Nights.

Ricky Bobby: Heck, I just read in the newspaper they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know wha, I mean, do you know what that means?

Lucius: No I don’t know what that means…I guess longer life.

RB: Well no he didn’t live.

L: Oh he didn’t live.

RB: It’s just exciting that we’re trying things like that.

That’s how I feel about these Tour de France blood doping. It’s just exciting we’re trying things like that!

Pre-tour favorite Alexandre Vinokourov was recently removed from the tour after winning two stages in three days. The reason? He had two types of red blood cells in his body. Illegal blood transfusion!!

This is not like steroids, folks. This is organic. Who was the genius that took the leap from theory to application in this?

“I posit that your blood is tired. Here is new blood. Now race.”

How did Vino (as Vinokourov is known) actually execute the blood transfusion? The Tour de France does not go from metropolis from metropolis, due to the existence of just the one. Or un. I’m not sure how it goes down exactly, but I assume the riders are living in weird camps of luxurious motor homes. That means they had to sneak a doctor in. Or more excitingly, maybe there was no doctor involved and this sport is so fucked that the riders know how to do blood transfusions themselves.

I have even more questions. Dare I attempt a rhetorical question chapter? (Wrap your head around THAT.)

Do the other riders on his team know when the blood transfusion guy is showing up to perform his dirty deeds? Do they look the other way? Where exactly do they procure the blood? Under what auspice do they procure the blood? Do they purport to perform minor elective surgery at home based on some Time Life series?

Now I actually enjoy the Tour without all of the doping because it’s just so…other. Castles and fields of sunflowers. Haybails stacked up in the shape of bicycles. World class athletes in crazily colored outfits pedaling around France like zombies chasing bizarre prizes.

First place? You get a yellow shirt. Racer who gets the most accumulated points by sprinting to arbitrarily designated spots along the course? You get a green shirt. Racer who gets to the various peaks most consistently over the duration of the race? You get a polka dot shirt.

You see the natural progression. Yellow to Green to Polka Dot. Somebody clearly panicked after coolly choosing two colors.

Unfortunately as of this past weekend, this most bizarre of elite sporting events has drawn to a close. As one of the 34 people in the country who get the Versus network, I can say I’m actually upset about this. The 7am time slot has always offered meager options in terms of live sporting events. For three weeks a year there’s something wondrous on while you get ready for work. Now I’m forced to watch reruns of “Who’s Now” Sportscenters during that hour, which I imagine is what hell is like. But that’s for another time. Right now?

Echelon misses the peloton.