All I’m asking, is to be made aware of the situation…

By Fig Jam

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s going to my favorite college sports website (www.dawgman.com) and finding that there has not been an update since the last time I visited 30 minutes ago. What the hell? Do I not pay $9.95 a month to this site?

Now football practices have started again and therefore I believe that a reasonable number of updates on said practices should be available everyday. Say 15-20 updates. Further, there are around 25 things to include in these updates that I want to know about the team for every day that it does practice:

1. Which players came out for practice?
2. Which players participated in team stretching and which players did not?
3. Which players, if any, are playing defense today instead of offense, where they were yesterday?
4. Are any coaches missing?
5. If so, where are they? Recruiting? Recruiting who?
6. Which of the coaches is the surliest, and which could aptly be described as ‘players coaches?’
7. When the teams split up for drills, did any of the players who participated in stretching leave these drills due to some apparent injury? If so, who?
8. In these drills which players looked good and which players appeared to be out of shape?
9. Did any of the coaches single out a player for being good/bad during these drills? If so, coach and player please.
10. Were the cheerleaders at practice?
11. Do this year’s cheerleaders look better than last year’s cheerleaders?

(as a sad aside, I realized that the answer to this question is always yes. At first, I was indignant at this realization, believing that my time as an undergrad was spent during an especially dark era for the cheerleading squad, leading to nicknames such as “terminator.” However, I have subsequently realized that the fact of the matter is that I’m just getting older and every year I spend removed from a campus saturated with good-looking coeds is a year where I have been deprived of one of God’s great gifts. Hence, every year when I show up on campus for football and/or basketball and see some of these coeds dancing suggestively, they look just that much better than they did the year before, even though they are probably the coed equivalent of the girls when I was there….This was an unfortunate realization).

12. Were any of the cheerleaders injured?
13. Did the team do any drills that involved tackling?
14. Who hit who the hardest?
15. Was anyone hurt during said tackling?
16. Did anyone get “jacked up?”
17. After practice what did the coaches say about the practice (not just the head coach, every coach)?
18. What did the players say?
19. Did anyone stay for extra practice?
20. Was punishment doled out to anyone after practice? If so, to whom?
21. Which esteemed alumni were present during this practice? Did it look like they were making a donation of any kind to the athletic department?
22. Were “crazies” or “Arkansas-like” fans excluded from the premises at all times, or should I prepare myself for the exposé in tomorrow’s paper concerning our Head Coach’s text messaging habits?
23. Have we finally incorporated a little good natured cheating into our program so we can win again? If so, wink twice and post said winks on youtube.com.
24. What is the schedule for practice tomorrow?
25. What other important information should I know about today’s practice?

Now, you might think that I am joking about this, but I am not. If I’m to believe that I am legitimately the 12^th man on this squad, then I have to be informed. I cannot, in good faith, arrive for games not being completely appraised of the situation.

Along those lines I am also going to need all of the above questions answered for every team in our conference as well as any non conference opponent on our schedule…. I need this information daily as well.