Ding, My Swine is Done

I got the opportunity to see the Sonics open practice on Saturday. Boring as all hell, but it was a good chance to see the Supes up close and in person. I had to leave early because I couldn’t take watching zone defense drills without unleashing a stream of unadulterated man love at Robert Swift. That man has turned himself into some kind of mythical beast with his flowing red mane and hulking mass covered by layers of tattoos. However, he looks more like this out-of-shape centaur. They should probably call him Robert Plod until he’s back to form.

It was also nice to see Luke Ridnour trying out a new hairdo. Gone are the disgusting mound of pubes and the down-sydrome buzzcut, Ridnour now sports a do I will call the “Stylish Stoner.” Maybe this is the haircut that will finally give him a consistent season and not make me want to eat all the skin off his face. I’m sure he does not want me on his bad side after I spent many a drunken afternoons in college emailing him scathing critiques on his lack of heterosexuality. This is the make or break season for me, I want to like Ridnour so bad. The past few seasons have been like finding out an ugly girl wants to have sex with you for some reason and then you keep trying to convince yourself that you should have sex with her because her hair-lip isn’t really that noticeable.

(Note: This is where I was going to put in a picture of a woman with a hair-lip, but my Google Image search just brought up a lot of pictures of babies with hair-lips. Funny still, but I don’t want to give the reader the impression that a hair-lipped baby wanted to have sex with me.)

Delonte West also thrilled the crowd just by dunking every time he got the chance. I really like Delonte and I think he will be a great addition to the Supes. He reminds of Tayshaun Prince without any of the attributes that make Tayshaun Prince good. I will admit that I base that comparison solely on the yellowish hue of their skin. I was also thrilled to find out that he is hilarious. Reports from our Sonics Insider was that during a team breakfast, Delonte yelled at Jeff Green, “Don’t gangbang that bacon!” after Jeff Green took three pieces. Now what that means in that context, I haven’t the faintest idea, but I think it’s a step in the right direction for the Supes. Then, I was thrilled to receive the link to this fantastic video of Delonte:

Here is another one where he explains some of his tattoos:

Hopefully FSN Northwest has seen these tapes and will be offering Delonte a weekly spot. I think he is the one to bring the common man back to Key Arena. I mean, who can’t relate to Red Fish, Blue Fish and the parallels between Elmer Fudd and the Executive Branch?