Hotdog & Friends

If you want to read some really classy and objective journalism about the University of Washington / Oregon State football game this past weekend, check out this article by Oregon State beat writer Cliff Kirkpatrick. Highlights include, “The game turned sour in the first half when the Huskies kept hitting OSU safety Al Afalava after the whistle. Then Bernard’s facemask was pulled off and he was punched in the face by Afoa Wilson. No flags were thrown for those incidents.” Wow, those damn Huskies. Kirkpatrick then declares, “The Huskies were mad at Afalava for knocking out their quarterback, Jake Locker, with a clean hit.” Well that settles that. If Cliff Kirkpatrick declares the hit clean, then it’s clean. It’s just nice that he was able to emotionally detach himself from the game before he wrote about it.

Further, the original name of the Article has been recently changed, after Seattle Times writer Bob Condotta commented on the first title which was something like “knockout punch” or “knockout blow” (but a clean knockout punch that was instigated by UW I’m sure). Since then, the article has magically become “Excitement and Relief.” Nice work. Highly professional.

In his blog, Kirkpatrick again calls out UW defensive player Wilson Afoa as “the guy who punched Yvenson Bernard in the face.” Another pearl of objective reporting. Do you want to know where he lives? His family’s names? Why not throw that information in there to round things out.

Now, I’m not much of a journalist…. well I’m not really a journalist at all, however, I have always been under the impression that were I a journalist, I would have to bring some modicum of objectivity to the table if I were to be covering a team that I happened to like. So, were I to be writing about the Husky game, I’d have to say something like, “Washington QB Jake Locker was injured in the second quarter when he and Oregon State’s Al Afalava collided helmet to helmet, leaving Locker unconscious on the sideline. While the Husky coaches thought the hit warranted a penalty, there was no flag on the play.” There, see. It’s not that hard. I think I made a couple of salient points without coming off like a drunken idiot in the stands. Were Kirkpatrick the UW beat writer, here’s how I envision that sentence in print, “The Beavers made good on their promise to hitJake Locker when Oregon State’s Al Afalava collided Helmet to Helmet with Locker in the second quarter. The hit marks the third time in the recent past that Oregon State has ended a Husky player’s season and/or career during a game, a truly remarkable coincidence which has been labeled ‘toughness’ by the Oregon State coaching staff.”

Further, my vague understanding of beat writer verses a columnist is that a beat writer is more or less supposed to cover the event, while the columnist is supposed to discuss and comment upon the event. Anyway I had to comment on this Kirkpatrick guy’s articles as they appear to have been written by one of the parents of an Oregon State player. Maybe he is both a beat writer and a columnist.

This season is Lute Olson’s 50th year as a head coach. So, how does the crafty septuagenarian decide to kick it off? By taking a leave of absence to deal with some “personal matters.” Many people are reading this as if Lute has some health problems he has to take care of. I know that it is exactly the opposite. See, Lute Olson loves to fuck. He fucked Bobbi Olson so much, his sperm gave her ovarian cancer. Now, Lute needs to get his dick wet whenever and however he can. Since Lute can’t fuck as much during the season, he needed to take this time to make sure he got his old wrinkly balls in as many mouths as possible. (Source: _____ )

Lute has himself a stable of assistant coaches to take over the team while he goes and spreads his seed all over the southwest and beyond. Kevin O’Neill will be taking over the head coach spot until Lute’s return. O’Neill returns to Arizona after bouncing around head coaching and assistant positions in the college and NBA ranks. Joining O’Neill is the grit and gristle of Miles Simon, who instills a hard-nosed defensive mentality on this team. Another coach is this guy:

That guy annoys me.

Lute’s absence and retirement rumors should only be a minimal distraction to this Wildcat squad. Chemistry killers Mustafa Shakur and Marcus Williams are gone, both making fine careers for themselves in the NBA. Zona will be anchored by the Ghost, Chase Budinger. Budinger has the rare combination of an insane vertical, sweet stroke, and white man smarts (he took out a multi-million dollar insurance policy in case of injury). This will probably be his last season in a Wildcat uniform so look for him to take over this team and try to push himself into a top 5 pick.

Incoming super-freshman Jerrrrrrryd Bayless will shoot a lot and probably be pretty good; Jawann McClellan will be mediocre as usual; and Bret Brielmaier will lead the team in yarmulkes.

Outlook: Arizona should continue its 20-season streak of 20-win seasons before it predictably falls out of the NCAA tournament in the second round to some mid-major.