Know Your Enemy, Pac-10 Edition: Arizona Wildcats

This season is Lute Olson’s 50th year as a head coach. So, how does the crafty septuagenarian decide to kick it off? By taking a leave of absence to deal with some “personal matters.” Many people are reading this as if Lute has some health problems he has to take care of. I know that it is exactly the opposite. See, Lute Olson loves to fuck. He fucked Bobbi Olson so much, his sperm gave her ovarian cancer. Now, Lute needs to get his dick wet whenever and however he can. Since Lute can’t fuck as much during the season, he needed to take this time to make sure he got his old wrinkly balls in as many mouths as possible. (Source: _____ )

Lute has himself a stable of assistant coaches to take over the team while he goes and spreads his seed all over the southwest and beyond. Kevin O’Neill will be taking over the head coach spot until Lute’s return. O’Neill returns to Arizona after bouncing around head coaching and assistant positions in the college and NBA ranks. Joining O’Neill is the grit and gristle of Miles Simon, who instills a hard-nosed defensive mentality on this team. Another coach is this guy:

That guy annoys me.

Lute’s absence and retirement rumors should only be a minimal distraction to this Wildcat squad. Chemistry killers Mustafa Shakur and Marcus Williams are gone, both making fine careers for themselves in the NBA. Zona will be anchored by the Ghost, Chase Budinger. Budinger has the rare combination of an insane vertical, sweet stroke, and white man smarts (he took out a multi-million dollar insurance policy in case of injury). This will probably be his last season in a Wildcat uniform so look for him to take over this team and try to push himself into a top 5 pick.

Incoming super-freshman Jerrrrrrryd Bayless will shoot a lot and probably be pretty good; Jawann McClellan will be mediocre as usual; and Bret Brielmaier will lead the team in yarmulkes.

Outlook: Arizona should continue its 20-season streak of 20-win seasons before it predictably falls out of the NCAA tournament in the second round to some mid-major.