State Of Seattle Sports December 2007, By The Seattle Tuba Guy
Fuck all of you assholes
This is Tuba Guy’s worst time of the year. Husky Football is over, so I’m 10 months away from watching an entire sorority make their way to a game. Little known fact about Tuba Guy: wanna know why I play sitting down against a chain link fence most of the time? It ain’t for comfort, Einstein. I’m looking up your girlfriend’s skirt. And 18 year old Kappa skirt is the Kobe Beef of Roast Beef, if ya know what I mean.
Problem is, nobody told the Fat Cats Up In Washington that they need to win to keep the ladies coming out. One more 4 win season an all the broads won’t even get season tickets anymore. They’ll just spend their Saturday at the U Village Jamba Juice discussing the most recent episode of Ugly Betty. That’s bullshit, because I’m not allowed to set up shop in U Village anymore. Something about a restraining order.
So I know what you’re probably thinking… is Tuba Guy’s entire Seattle Sports outlook based on what’s going to get him off? Damn right it is. You really think I play for the money? Not to tell the whole story, but let’s just say Jay Buhner’s still paying me hush money for a little indiscretion in the back alley behind Tiki Bobs. Because he cheated on his wife. And I watched. Oh wait, did I say I wouldn’t tell the whole story? Who cares. The WaMu Rodeo Grandmas have my money safe.
Mmm, Rodeo Grandmas. Now I’m horny.
Where was I… Seahawks? Garbage. No chance of winning a playoff game. Husky basketball? Same story. Are the Sonics even still here? Sorry, I tend not to look after corpses. The Mariners? They’ll be good for some ½ price sausages after the games but not much else. Basically what I’m trying to say is this: we’re in the darkest period for Seattle sports, and more importantly, my Tuba Dong, in quite some time. I’m scared. It’s like the rain won’t ever stop.
At least there’ll always be one bright spot for me in this town.
Call me, Sue. I promise not to be so handsy next time. We can just go out for some Earl’s Long Islands. Friends totally do that.
The rest of you all can eat a dick.
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I love it that this blog keeps getting better. Golden.
Bravo. Someone should nominate this for the Pulitzer.
I read the Tuba Man expose (http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/jamieson/341229_robert27.html) by Robert Jamieson, who apparently was in the mood to mail a column in. He makes many wildly outlandish claims, including that the Tuba Man can play songs. In my many years of interaction with Tuba Man, he has never approached anything that might be considered an actual song. Sometimes he can get two or three notes to fit together but I consider that to be the million monkeys analogy.
[...] so ends the most dubious “basketball” tag in the history of this site. Tuba Guy would love this, [...]
RIP Tuba Man
“# Hotdog Says:
December 4th, 2007 at 11:22 am
I read the Tuba Man expose (http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/jamieson/341229_robert27.html) by Robert Jamieson, who apparently was in the mood to mail a column in. He makes many wildly outlandish claims, including that the Tuba Man can play songs. In my many years of interaction with Tuba Man, he has never approached anything that might be considered an actual song. Sometimes he can get two or three notes to fit together but I consider that to be the million monkeys analogy.”
I find your post most enlightening. The most fascinating aspect of your post is your statement “he has never approached anything that might be considered an actual song. Sometimes he can get two or three notes to fit together” since everyone I know have been able to identify whatever “Tuba Man” is playing including selections from the opera they have just enjoyed.
I really feel that you should change your screen name to “TONE DEAF”