Fats: Still OK To Not Hire
Just like every other offseason, there are lots of high profile coaching vacancies available in the world of college football. Just like last offseason, Rutgers coach Greg Schiano has popped appeared in speculation for some of them, specifically Michigan. Schiano was the Walter Camp coach of the year last season. This season’s coach of the year has led a third tier program to a 12-1 record and a BCS bowl win. Unlike Schiano, his name hasn’t been popping up anywhere.
Any chance it’s because he’s morbidly obese?
Oh wait, obviously it’s because he’s morbidly obese. Chaz Weis and Ralph Friedgen have both spoken out about how they struggled to crack the skinny ceiling that prevented them from getting coveted head coaching jobs. Weis nearly died from his gastric surgery, which he openly admitted to doing only because it would help him get a head coaching position.
I’m not saying that Michigan should have made a play for him (I don’t think he’s that ready for prime time), and I know Nebraska would rather give Bill Callahan an extention before making a play for a Kansas coach, but what about Arkansas or West Virginia? Arkansas looked just about everywhere else (good luck with your choice, guys) and all he got from WVU was a lousy hoax. Shit, would it kill UCLA to look at a coach that apparently knows how to get maximum effort from their players?
All I know is if I’m a Kansas fan, I’m laughing at the stupidity of the other schools and offering to fill the Orange Bowl trophy with ice cream or steak or dulce de leche (or all three at once) for coach if he damn well wants it. No one’s asking you to have sex with your head coach. And thank god for that. This is the closest one to where I live.
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I don’t buy it–here’s the thing. Plenty of fat coaches have gotten a shot at the big time, and many are still coaching:
-Rick Majerus, in the NBA (though he didn’t stick around, because he was fat, if I recall)
-Charlie Weis, who’s still at Notre Dame because of his fat, milky, white skin
-Mike Holmgren
-Andy Reid
-Romeo Crenel
-Phil Fulmer (you mentioned him)
-Hotdog’s momma
I’m not saying it’s impossible to get a job if you’re a fatty. I’m saying fat coaches aren’t sexy hires. Granted, Charlie Weis ain’t looking like Lombardi, but he had all the pedigree in the world when he was with the Pats and had to get plastic surgery?
Oh, and Fat Phil has only really let himself go in the last 10 years. Fortunately, putting on weight only remains a fireable offense for positions like “cheerleader.”
You should start a BBC (big beautiful coaches) website to further expound upon all their virtues.
My favorite part about the Weis surgery was when he sued the two surgeons who performed his gastric, but the judge had to declare a mistrial on the first go round. Apparently, 1/2 through the trial, one of the jurors had a heart attack or some other major life threatening issue right there in the courtroom. The 2 doctors rushed over and saved the guy’s life. Afterwards the judge determined that it would be difficult for the other jurors to ignore the fact that the two doc’s on trial actually saved a life while on trial for supposedly being bad doctors.
Fig jam there is no way that is true! Only in America, eh?