European Cup Preview - Group A
Welcome to the Hotdog & Friends European Cup Preview. And don’t forget to sign up for the Fantasy League!
Switzerland - Your old buddy Hotdog has a horse in this race. Switzerland kicks off Euro 2008 this Saturday at 9 a.m. at St. Jakob Stadion, which was just a short ride on the #14 tram from my place in Basel. My adopted home for 18 glorious months, Switzerland stands a puncher’s chance to advance out of the group stage.
(editor’s note: most girls in Switzerland are not this attractive)
Spurred on by the home crowd, the Swiss hope to get some attacking brilliance from their star Alexander Frei. Once the national goat after spitting on Steven Gerrard in Euro 2004, Frei repented by adopting a llama at the Basel Zoo (most famous for making the entire area where I ran smell like manure). They also feature Marco Streller up front, who is so hated by most Swiss that he has threatened to retire from international football after the tournament. However, he’ll be playing in front of his hometown FC Basel fans, which bodes well.
Most of my predictions are based on Switzerland beating the Czech Republic in the opening game. I’m fairly confident this occurrence will launch the Swiss into the second round.
Portugal - By far the class of the group, the Portuguese should advance easily. Everyone knows Cristiano Ronaldo, but word is his lady friend is a freak.
Turkey - The last time Switzerland played Turkey it didn’t end so well. So when Turkey and Switzerland face off on June 11, the Swiss Polizei will be on high alert for violence. Some portions of conservative Swiss society already resent the Turkish immigrants (but love their kebap), meaning the soccer match could be a flashpoint for some fisticuffs.
Plus, people tend to remember when an opposing players perforates the urinary canal of one of your midfielders.
On the soccer side, recent success of Turkish youth teams show it as an up-and-comer in the world football scene. Except for one guy who plays for Middlesbrough, the team is relatively unknown by me. Their talent is concentrated up front, which means they will score some goals and likely give up a few more.
Czech Republic - After the ever-loving ass-beating the Czechs gave the USA in the last World Cup, one would be tempted to consider the Czechs to be a favorite to advance with Portugal. Not so fast. The Czechs, not traditionally known as a football power, have been riding the crest of a bumper crop of excellent football players. However, many of them have retired (Pavel Nedved) or are injured (Tomas Rosicky), meaning the squad’s core may only have one more tournament in their old-man legs.
(Pavel Nedved won’t be playing for the Czechs but he kinda looks like a girl.)
However, even with the retirement of the bow-legged Lord of the Rings extra Nedved, the Pilsener Boys stormed through qualification for one last run. With AC Milan full-back Marek Jankulovski anchoring the squad from defense, many consider them a likely team to advance out of group A. I beg to differ. I don’t see any of the attacking talent from two years ago, meaning they’ll be back on their heels and hoping to pip a goal off the head of freakish striker Jan Koller. I hate teams that play that way. And don’t get me started on Milan Baros. How Liverpool won the Champions League with him is beyond me.
Perhaps more out of spite than anything, I expect the Czechs to fall flat on their faces and finish last in Group A.
Players To Watch:
- Portugal - Cristiano Ronaldo, MF: Clearly the best player in the world right now.
- Switzerland - Philipp Degen, D: This guy is a complete clown, but since Liverpool just picked him up, I guess I have to like him. But in all honesty, he’s terrible.
- Turkey - Nihat Kahveci, F: I don’t really know this guy but I heard he’s good. Here’s a kinda funny video.
- Czech Republic - Jan Koller, F: Taller than Peter Crouch and thicker. The Gheorge Muresan of soccer. Scored on the U.S. in the 2006 World Cup, then promptly got hurt.
Clowns:
- Switzerland - Pascal Zuberbuhler, GK: This fucking guy. I don’t know how to explain it, but Zubi is a national joke. The fans all hiss when he gets the ball at his feet and he’s good for one howler per tournament.
- Portugal - Ricardo Carvalho, D: Plays for Chelsea, ergo I hate him.
- Turkey - I don’t really know much about Turkey. It’s a land of mystery and wonder. Sparko knows more about it than I do. They’ll mash up a handful of pomegranates and put the juice in a cup for you for, like, 75 cents. That’s pretty cool.
- Czech Republic - Peter Cech, GK: He wears a puffy helmet, presumably to keep the aliens from reading his thoughts.
Predictions:
- Portugal
- Switzerland
- Turkey
- Czech Republic
June 4th, 2008 at 9:19 am
It’s Mila Kunis’s slightly chubby Swiss older sister! Girl, there is one way out of her shadow. It is in my pants.
June 4th, 2008 at 9:20 am
This would have helped me when I was randomly filling out my fantasy soccer squad.
June 4th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Speaking from a military perspective, much ado has been made of the Swiss’ ability to defend their home territory - I believe this to be nothing more than a clever propoganda campaign, funded by a vast yet secretive financial infrastructure - that no one has yet bothered to put to the test. I predict the Czechs will crush their resistance Soviet style. Also, the Swiss offensive strategy will likely prove too bureaucratic to succeed. This does not pose a problem for other teams in the group.
Portugal v. Turkey screams acid indigestion. Lord knows I wouldn’t want to be ordering a 4am Kepab after the Turks certain defeat, but I tell ya what - I’d do it anyway. Sauce me bra, sauce me! I like mine sloppy, with a side of national shame.
June 4th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
i pretty much stopped reading for about 15 mins after these words “but word is his lady friend is a freak.”
tissues aside Portugal and Swiss will go on to next round