Hotdog & Friends

Welcome to the second installment of the Hotdog & Friends European Cup Preview. And don’t forget to sign up for the Fantasy League!

Team Profiles:

Austria: As co-hosts, Austria earned an automatic bid to the Euro 2008. It’s a good thing, because there’s no possible way they would have qualified otherwise. At 101st in the FIFA world rankings, they are the lowest-ranked team in the tournament, a full 50 spots below any other team. And they know it, too. Look at their Frauen.

(Die Frauen sind traurig. Es gibt kein mehr Schokolade!)

Austria boasts a few decent players, to be sure, but nowhere near the quality of the other participants. When confronted with such long odds, soccer teams generally resort to the direst, most cynical brand of soccer - packing 10 players behind the ball and hoping to steal a goal. However, spurred on by their home fans and in one of the weakest groups of the tournament, they can be forgiven if they believe they can advance.

Croatia: Oh how we laughed. How we laughed when the Croatian national team, already assured a spot for Austria & Switzerland, strolled into Wembley and humbled the mighty Three Lions. Perhaps the visitors were a little upset after the national anthem singer’s X-rated mistake before the game.

Without Arsenal’s Eduardo Da Silva, whose leg nearly had to be amputated after this horror tackle, the Checkerboard Kings will be lacking the attacking flair necessary to make a deep run into the tournament. Additionally, there are questions as to the effectiveness of the strike tandem - long gone are the days of the other-worldly Davor Šuker.

From the land of rocky beaches and lots of beautiful babies comes Croatia. On a personal note, I would like to add that all of the Croatian people I’ve met in my life have been total bad-asses. Now here is the picture of the Croatian girl:

Germany: In place of a well-structured, thoughtful analysis of the German national team, I’ll instead tell both loyal readers of Hotdog & Friends to get to Oktoberfest, like, right away. If you like tits and beer, it’s the most fun you will ever have. 

Poland: The great irony here is that Germany’s two star strikers, Lukas Podolski and Miroslav Klose, are both of Polish descent. With those two gentlemen, Poland would stand a far better chance of pipping Croatia for the No. 2 spot. As it stands, I consider Poland to be a longshot. Big games from Euzebiusz Smolarek, who scored nine times in qualifying, are vital to their hopes of advancing.

I’ve heard tales from some of our valiant servicemen of some pretty crazy parties to be had in Polska. And it was a Polish girl who told me a life-altering story* about a piece of bacon on a string. But are the ladies good-looking? I’ll let you be the judge.

Players to Watch:

Austria - Erwin “Jimmy” Hoffer, F: Jimmy Hoffer introduced himself in grand fashion with an expert showing in the 2007 Youth World Cup in Canada. With “Jimmy” shaved into the side of his head, he came on as a substitute and sealed the American’s team fate with a second-half strike. He’s pretty awesome.

Croatia - Luka Modric, MF: The play-making midfielder who sealed England’s fate, Luka Modric’s services were just purchased by Tottenham for a mind-boggling 15.5 million pounds. The 22-year old is also not not the secret member of my fantasy squad.

Germany - Bastian Schweinsteiger, MF: Directly translated, his name means “pig climber.” But if he has his way, “Schweini” will be climbing the Golden Boot standings instead! Seriously folks, Schweinsteiger represents the over-achieving, uber-young squad Germany sent to the World Cup in 2006. Nearly all of those players, including Philipp Lahm,  Per Mertesacker, and Lukas Podolski, are back.

Poland - Maciej Żurawski, F: The skipper was rumored to be headed to Los Angeles in the winter transfer window, but the move never materialixed.

Clowns:

Austria - This little guy. Wonk Wonk!

Croatia - They seem like nice enough gentlemen.

Germany - Jens Lehmann, GK: Jens. Lehmann. is such a muppet.

Poland - Jan Tomaszewski, Coach: It says it right here. I had no idea!

Predictions:

1. Croatia
2. Germany
3. Poland
4. Austria

*She would swallow it when she was doing it and then have her boyfriend pull it out at the moment of truth. You can’t make this stuff up.

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 5th, 2008 at 1:17 am and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.