Hotdog & Friends

Fig Jam

Felix Hernandez, the phenom young pitcher and de facto ace of the Mariners pitching staff, has just gone yard, grand slam style, against Johan Santana. Oh and he’s no hit the Mets through 3 innings thus far. I hope when he got back to the dugout he slammed his batting helmet on the ground and let forth a tirade of obsenities to the effect of “It’s not that damn hard.”

and thus with one swing of the bat Hernandez compiled almost one quarter the RBI’s that Richie Sexson has gotten in 211 Ab’s (23 RBI’s). More than one quarter of Ichiro’s (19 RBI’s in 312 ab’s).

Fig Jam

Poor Xavier Hicks.  Guy can’t catch a break.  First he tries to blind his teammate by putting rubbing alcohol in his contact case and winds up in jail for 45 days, then he gets arrested on the way home from jail.  Pathetic.  If this guy weren’t a contributer for WSU’s football team, he would be Schmidtke’d so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him.

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Fig Jam

Big news out of the WNBA today.  Candace Parker can dunk.  Of course we already knew this.  We knew this when she won a High School dunk contest several years ago.  However, Parker recently dunked in a WNBA game, making her the second player ever to accomplish this feat.  So, not only is this old news from a Parker perspective, but from a WNBA perspective as well, since Lisa Leslie dunked in a game years ago.  But nonetheless, the WNBA PR machine is in full swing touting Parkers dunk to the sporting masses today, as if it will somehow make a difference in the league’s popularity.

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By Mooch as told to Sager Bombs

I thought these assholes were my friends. Now I’m the subject of a mass media hit job. So maybe I take the occasional bite of other people’s food. Can you honestly say you’ve never done it? Now I can’t watch any sporting event without being bombarded with visual evidence of mockery by people I thought truly cared. Every freakin’ channel. Every single weekend. MOOOOOOOOCH. My name is Steven, ok? I have a name. I’m a human being.

It hurts, dammit. I didn’t deserve this.

But, whatever. Fine. Go ahead and eat your 1.07 pounds of meat and cheese all by yourself. Laugh it up, fun guys. See if I give a shit about going hungry. Hunger goes away, but this kind of hurt will last far longer.

*single tear falls*

Sager Bombs

After three amazing quarterfinal games, Italy-Spain was a soccer game that reinforces all the “Americans Don’t Get Soccer” stereotypes.  Tons of flopping.  Poor officiating.  Pass forward, pass back, holds it, holds it, holds it…

(UPDATE: I just read the Deadspin wrapup of the weekend’s action, and they make the exact same point as I did about this being the kind of game Americans hate. Great minds think alike from their mother’s basements? Anyways, I’m just acknowledging that we both made a similar comment at about the same time. If I was going to crib a Deadspin post of all things, I’d like to think I’d do a better job of hiding it. Moving on…)

I’m going to write off the crap level of play as a product of the matchup.  Both teams came in with their country having high (unreasonable?) expectations for the tournament.  Spain has been the better side in the tournament, but Italy has centuries of experience when it comes to packing the box and playing for the tie. 

So thank god they didn’t win on PK’s.  The flopping, defensive minded, Spurs-of-international football are gone.  Besides the camera pans of their hot fans and the chance to play the sip-every-time-they-flop drinking game, will anyone miss them?