The Olympics are coming (perhaps you’ve heard?)
Fig Jam
I really enjoy the Olympics. I think one reason is all the obscure events that I could envision myself, under the right set of circumstances, being a world class competitor in. In the more mainstream sports, I have been forced to accept the limits of my own mortality, and have come to understand that I really couldn’t, under any set of circumstances, expect to live (actually survive) through one game. There would be that sickening moment where I suffered some variety of gruesome injury and then sheets would be held up around me as I was euthanized.
But that isn’t the case for an Olympic sport like, fencing, or table tennis (ie ping pong). Being closer to 30 than 20 really doesn’t faze me in my dreams of Olympic glory when it comes to these events (although the above death analogy would certainly extend to Gymnastics and/or other events that require size, strength, or athleticism). Hence, I enjoy the Olympics.
With that in mind, here are 5 Olympic “sports” where I feel like I could win gold given the proper amount of prep-time:
1. Sailing. I could probably sail, you know, if there was enough wind.
2. Canoeing. Really? Canoe? Unless the competitors have to first construct their craft from birch, I am not impressed with this event. That being said, I would take a canoeing gold medal in a heartbeat. Listen to the anthem…. just listen (In my post winning speech, probably to 1 or 2 reporters who got on the wrong bus that morning, I would credit the native americans for their canoeing prowess).
3. “Race” Walking. Don’t talk to me about form. It’s walking. I can walk.
4. Table Tennis. ie -ping pong. If Gump could do it… I could do it. Also this event is being held in the Peking University Gym. Do you think their mascot is the ducks? The Peking Ducks? Delicious event.
5. Boxing. HAHAHAHAHAHA. No seriously, name 1 boxer ever that won a gold medal and then amounted to anything.* I could win and I could win big, probably in multiple weight classes.
*Do not name Clay/Ali, De La Hoya, Lewis, or any other Boxer that won a gold medal and then amounted to something for purposes of this inquiry. If you want to learn more about gold medal boxers, go here. I guess maybe #5 should have been fencing.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Wikipedia lists all of the events that have been contested at one point or another during the Summer Olympics. Selected favorites that I like to picture myself doing are: Tug of War, Water Motorsports, Basque Pelota (which looks like Jai Alai), Rackets (which looks like Tennis) and Jeu de Paume (which is apparently Tennis). On another note, I am one of the very few people I know who get amped for the Olympics. I really, really enjoy them and watch most sports. I even downloaded the theme songs as performed by various orchestras. I love the camraderie, the amateur athletes in the spotlight, and mainly I love watching dreams crushed. Just one stumble in the 100M and you’ve wasted 8 years of your life. One slip on the balance beam and you’ve taken all those anti-growth hormones for nothing. One wrong angle on your dive and you’ve smacked your head, which is enough to invite ridicule about your sexuality for the rest of your life.
June 25th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I always enjoy Jim McKay.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Too soon!