Yardbarker Sent Me To The Playboy Mansion

or… “I Knew I Always Hated Google Ads”

Sager Bombs

If you’re like us, when you think of the internet you probably don’t think of pornography at all.  But for one glorious night these two vastly different worlds came together when the good folks at Yardbarker sponsored Fight Night at the Playboy Mansion.  And for some reason they brought me along.  If this night was any indication, there really might be potential in the idea of putting naked women on the internet.  We’ll tell you how it all went down and answer some of your questions after the break…

Yes, there was actually boxing, and Tacoma’s own David Torres represented the area in the main event by… getting the living shit kicked out of him by Julio “Kidd” Diaz.  Torres hung in there as long as he could but he was simply outclassed and the fight was finally stopped when his eyes refused to open anymore.  We hate it when that happens.

There was also a boxer with the nickname of “Sugar Poo” and things kicked off with a women-fight.  But you didn’t click on this post to read about boxing.  So let’s answer the questions that are probably on your mind.

(Original NSFW photo by Yardbarker, SFW editing from Sports By Brooks… check out their pictures and wrapups of the night, as they’re light years better than this one.) 

Q: Sager, why is this girl pointing to black butt cheek prints on a chair?

A: Good question.  She’s pointing to her own butt print, because that’s body paint on her and she’s actually butt naked.  Her girl bits were painted with the Yardbarker logo, making for some pretty effective advertising.  She hung out all night just taking pictures with random guys/stalkers.  She was the only naked girl on the grounds (despite some of the better efforts by a few guests and their dresses) so she was wildly popular.  By the end of the evening her waist was gray-ish from all the handprints left by guys who put their hands up high at first, then moved lower.  Stay classy, Playboy Mansion!

Q: So was the Playboy Mansion as insane as I’ve always thought/heard/dreamed?

A: In a word: no.  It was a very fun party.  Top shelf open bar all night and food along the levels of “really nice wedding”.  But it was fight night.  On a Wednesday.  And some tickets were available to the general public.  Shockingly enough, it turns out guys are more likely to buy tickets to a boxing match at the Mansion than women.  Go figure.  By the end of the night the ratio was Hickory Farms levels of sausage-y.  Around midnight a monster crowd of guys surrounded the pool taking pictures and cheering.  We thought for sure the debauchery was beginning and that a group of girls were water wrestling, or frolicking, or whatever it is drunk girls do in pools for crowds.  Turns out it was just three guys who wanted to jump in the pool.  Guys apparently love other guys in pools. 

So, in summary, we can see how things could potentially get wild at the mansion, but this was not the night for it to happen.  Fortunately, we generally don’t go to parties expecting to get laid, so the skewed ratio wasn’t that huge a deal anyway.  The girls that were there were nice to talk to, one gave us a tour of the mansion grounds and that was cool.  It’s like you see on tv.  The various crazy rooms are like the rooms you’ve seen on tv.  You can tell that if the walls of the grotto could talk, they’d ask for gonorrhea meds.  The zoo had baby monkeys, and one of the peacocks that were all over the grounds nearly took my head off trying to get to a tree.  They also kept screeching all night.  Apparently not a big fan of boxing, those peacocks.

Q: Enough about the stupid peacocks, how about celebrities?

A: There were a few.  Hef and his girlfriends were the biggest names, and his girls were in the bunny suits and worked as ring card girls during the big fights.  They sat ringside and stayed for the whole card (insert easy joke about Hef and his bedtime here…).  Apparently they don’t always show up for fight night so we were lucky in that regard.  Shawne Merriman was there, and so was Chuck Liddell.  Former heavyweight belt holder Ross Purity was there.  There were lots of other gigantic looking guys there too, but we’re admittedly not well versed in MMA and Boxing (or celebrity spotting in general), so, um… oops?  Gigantic looking muscular types were most definitely in attendance.  And old guys.

Not in attendance: typical Mansion types like Baio, Maher, Saget, every single cast member of That 70’s Show, etc.  We guess they hate boxing.  Or maybe they knew Diddy was going to Crown Bar with Paris Hilton and changed their plans.  They must have forgotten to text us.  Dicks.

Q: You’re kind of making this sound underwhelming.  Is that on purpose?

A: No!  It was a really really fun night.  My entry to their contest said that we were hoping for titties, alcohol, and grown men beating the living shit out of each other.  All three things were delivered, and delivered well.  But people seem to equate “going to the mansion” with “participating in a 75 person supermodel orgy”.  That most definitely didn’t happen (if anyone has an invite to one of those, call us!).  But as my memory recalls, a damn fun night did happen.   The address it was located at was just a very nice bonus.  And now we can say we’ve been to the mansion, which is pretty cool too.  Much thanks to the people at Yardbarker for flying us out, putting us up in a hotel, and putting up with us for the evening.  We promise to click on every banner ad relentlessly from now on.  

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a boring, wearing clothes every day, non-LA life to return to.  And we’ve never been happier for a Friday in our lives.