In which I break bad news to Marion Jones
Fig Jam
Dear Marion,
I regret to inform you that you are not a rich white guy, cronie, lifetime member of the NRA, or named “Scooter.” Therefore, your request to be released from prison has been denied. While the President found your reasons for disliking jail to be compelling (namely that it was “icky” and that your prison girlfriend may or may not be cheating on you with the bull in block 4D) he respects the American Justice system and reserves the right to abuse it only on special occasions, for his special friends.
Citing precedent from the Clinton era, Mr. Bush notes that his position is in no way contradictory to the accepted norms of Presidential immunity. He further noted that Presidents rarely, if ever, take steps to help minorities get out of jail. Being a woman doesn’t help either.
In any event, please enjoy the remainder of your stay in our penal system (aside: the Prez snickered uncontrollably when we talked about the penal system). We hope that you are allowed to watch some of the Olympics in there, and that you can discuss with the other inmates the lingering effects of steroids (you ARE the man in your cell). Oh and Roger Clemens has requested that you carve your name in your cell bc he’s totally going to try and get that cell to and do what they did in Shawshenk Redemption at the halfway house.