Special Weekend Post OMG!

Sager Bombs

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE FIRST NFL PRESEASON GAME IS SUNDAY!!!!!!!  Finally, we can all exhale.  No really, exhale.  I can wait.  I’ll just sit here and sound the trumpet.  And the tuba.  Because tomorrow night is like that first drunken kiss you have with a girl you don’t sleep with until several dates later.  You can’t help but get all fired up that it happened, but unfortunately there is a bit of a slog ahead until the real payoff.  In football terms, the blue balls will come after about 1 quarter of football when all the starters are pulled and you’re stuck watching backups for the Skins and Colts. 

BUT FOOTBALL!  WHEEE!  Here are the things I will be rooting for Sunday night:

-Injuries to any and all Redskins

-The Colts -4.5 and every single over bet.   I’m sorry, but betting the under is rooting for boredom and should be banned.  I can never feel sorry for you if you bet the under and lose.  You deserve it.

-Making fun of the NBC Studio Army.  I, for one, look forward to the day where they employ enough people that every person on the studio team only gets one line of dialogue per week.  We’re probably halfway there.  Even the Mark Cuban thinks NBC is just wasting money on mediocre talent now.  Also: will they stick with defiling Joan Jett with another horrible cover by a washed up female musician?  Anyone seen Avril Lavigne around Burbank?

-Pizza and/or some sort of fried chicken entity (wings/strips/fingers/nuggets/balls).  Who am I kidding.  I’m definitely having both.  I will also demand the delivery guy bring me at least one more sauce packet than I’ll actually use.  Listen to me, Honey Mustard, BBQ, Ranch and Sweet & Sour:  4 of you will come home with me, but only 3 of you will be part of my drunken dipping.  That’s just the math we have here.  And I’m already casting a suspicious glance in your direction, Honey Mustard.

-Every year I love the first time John Madden says something that doesn’t make sense and Al Michaels tries to pretend that it did.  In 4 weeks I’ll probably have the volume on mute, but this week I’m ok with it.  I also love the first “look… our announcers are in a booth at the game!” shot, if only to see how tiny Al Michaels is.  Couldn’t you just put him in your pocket!

-Inappropriate camera shots of the cheerleaders by the cameramen, and the way the cheerleaders pretend it isn’t pervy at all to have some dude with a massive camera doing a zoom-in from an upskirt angle that could probably make him millions in Japan.  Bonus creepy points for staying at that angle even when he’s not filming. 

OK, you get the idea.  It’s like Christmas Eve, only for a completely meaningless exhibition game where all the starters will be long gone before halftime.  But please don’t forget Indianapolis, that’s still plenty of time to make Chris Cooley’s knee explode.  FOOTBALL’S BACK WHEEEEEE!