Memo to all Chinese Olympians
From: The Chinese Government (and Fig Jam)
To: All Chinese Athletes competing in the Olympics
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Greetings, and congratulations on your wonderful accomplishments in the Olympics. We are very proud of you and the way you represented China to the rest of the world. A few notes on where you should report following the games:
1. Gold Medal Winners: You are the most honorable athletes in existence. You have brought great pride to your country and you shall be rewarded. Let it be known that all gold medal winners will receive 3 days with which to do anything you want (except anything that looks like exercise free will or independent thought). For those of you who have not seen your parents for years, perhaps a trip home is in order. Rest assured that your glorious accomplishments will not be forgotten when you return to your training facilities in NO MORE than 72 hours after your free time begins. We look forward to your continued success representing China.
2. Silver Medal Winners: Your accomplishments are most shameful and constitute a total failure to achieve the goals that you were programmed to reach. Please return immediately to the Government laboratory at which you were originally genetically altered for a determination if the Government should share in this failure. If it is determined that more hormones/chemicals/gene alteration would have made you a gold medalist, you shall receive such treatment and be allowed to return to your training facilities. If you are determined to have suffered from an emotional letdown, or other emotion-related reflex that caused your failure, you shall be sent to rural lands very far away for a lifetime of forced labor. It is in China’s best interest.
3. Bronze Medal Winners: Please report to the happy fun times camp that has been erected in your honor. The happy fun times camp is located directly next to the Chinese Sniper Training School outside of Beijing. Just follow the red lasers. Once at the camp, please take your Bronze medal out approximately 100 yards and place it around the shoulders of the umm…. statue that has been erected in your honor. Then turn around.
4. Non medalists: You aren’t still alive reading this are you? If so, there has been a mistake. Please take your own life immediately. If you are not of legal age, please give this memorandum to your parent or legal guardian and allow them to take your life for you.
Thank you for a truly wonderful Olympics. We showed the rest of the world how awesome and open we are about everything. We here at the Government cannot wait until London 2012, when we will win every gold medal at every single event. Legitimately… of course.