Hotdog & Friends

Constable Echelon

Jesus Christ. I just went back and read my preview of the 2007 Arizona Cardinals. Not to pat myself on the back (read: to pat myself on the back), but that is a fucking odyssey. The bar has been set.

Constable Echelon celebrates the upcoming NFL season by previewing the hometown Seattle Seahawks’ opponents in the NFC West.

2008 will mark the Cardinals’ 21st year in the desert (Moses is nonplussed). During this span they have managed a playoff appearance. When I say “a” in that last sentence I pronounce it with the short vowel sound a la Wayne referring to the gun rack Stacy bought him in the seminal 90s buddy pic Philadelphia.

The year was 1998 where the plucky birds, led by second year QB Jake Plummer on offense and CB Aeneas (Anus) Williams on D, overcame locker room cancer Pat Tillman to defeat Troy Aikman’s concussions and effectively end the run of Dallas’ Big Three. This was presumably before the NFL’s defensive coordinators learned that Jake Plummer had a touch of the Rick Mirer disease where he couldn’t throw to one side of the field, and Jake left the league to pursue a career in semi-competitive handball.

The point is, not a lot of success for the Cardinals in Arizona. This decade of Cardinals Football has been marked by almost yearly declarations that they will be the surprise team that comes from nowhere to win their division. This is followed every fall by clumsy retractions where people realize, “Oh yeah. These are the Cardinals!” Talent is an anagram of latent for a reason, people.

Offense:

Though less heralded than Cleveland coup Joe Thomas, Arizona’s 2007 first round choice LT Levi Brown panned out quite nicely last year. Here’s a picture of Mr. Brown in his down time.

(Nothing says quiet confidence like, “I have a rope and reserve the right to tie you up.” Also impressive in that picture is Levi Brown’s apparent ability to conjure up items pictured in wallpaper.)

Levi Brown and LG Deuce Latui form the best left side in the NFC West. Remember when that used to be the Seahawks? Me too. 2008 will mark the first year in many that Arizona will be bringing back their entire offensive line - just the type of fleeting appearance of competence that has me mildly frightened for the nascent Whisenhunt-era.

Of course a strong left side would be of greater benefit if QB of the present/future Matt Leinart weren’t left handed. Coach Ken has tabbed the former USC star to start despite his being outperformed last year by Kurt Warner. Warner threw an improbable 27 TDs last year. That’s only one less than Brett Favre managed and in 5 fewer starts. So how about a Sportscenter Special on that shit, ESPN?

And a strong offensive line would be of greater benefit if Arizona could manage to locate a running back capable of a sub 5 second forty yard dash. Instead they’re stuck with at least one more year of Edgerrin James, backed up by bigger and slower Marcel Shipp, backed up by big and slow rookie Tim Hightower. This offense would be frightening if this team had managed to hang on to Thomas Jones all those years ago.

The best part of the Cardinals remains their dynamic receiving duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Quan is maybe my favorite player in the league, and if the Cardinals can somehow be convinced to trade their disgruntled banger to the Seahawks we will win the Super Bowl. Former first rounder Bryant Johnson has been jettisoned in division to the Nine Balls, and replaced by Early Doucet.

Early Doucet is a French term for when you wake up with an upset stomach in the wee hours, and drag yourself to a brief yet relieving bathroom trip that allows for 4+ more hours of sleep. The trick with the Early Doucet is just to do it. Don’t try to sleep through it. Football-wise, Doucet offers less of the eye popping combine measurables that Johnson boasted of in exchange for old timey production and craft.

Defense:

Arizona had to be thrilled last year when DT Alan Branch fell to them in the second round. Turns out the questions about his character were legitimate so far though, as he managed a scant 9 tackles last year in 11 games. In fairness this might have nothing to do with his character. I don’t know the guy. He might just suck. The D-Line is a big question mark this year for the Cards.

At linebacker 5th year man Karlos Dansby has improved season after season. That’s the good. The bad? They’ve converted Chike Okeafor to be the other OLB. Good luck with that.

The Cardinals secondary features the most interesting change, where former 8th overall pick Antrel Rolle has been moved from corner to free safety. Rolle apparently was a little bit of a liability in man coverage, and the coaching staff hopes that the move to safety will allow him to focus more on his undeniable ball hawking ability. Makes sense to me. Between him and SS Adrian Wilson, Arizona has one of the best safety duos in the NFL. Scary.

I’ll just have to keep repeating to myself that they can neither stop the run or get to the quarterback.

Intangibles/Projection:

Last year was supposed to be different. Accepted wisdom was that Arizona and rookie head coach Ken Whisenhunt would need a few years to sort out the wreckage from the Dennis Green Retirement Fund Tour. Unburdened from their usual baseless-ly high expectations, the Cardinals put together their best year of the decade finishing 8-8. This year, the expectations are back. That’s why I think they’ll only win 6 games. The tricky part is, that might actually be the best scenario for this burgeoning team. Just one more high draft pick, another year of seasoning for the young foundation, a power vacuum in the NFC West following Holmgren’s retirement, and 2009 might actually be the year that Arizona delivers on their mercurial promise. Just not quite yet.

(Stats courtesy of Pro Football Reference)

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 21st, 2008 at 1:28 am and is filed under Football, Know Your Enemy, Seattle Seahawks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.