Welcome to Old Money
Constable Echelon
That’s a nice little program you got there Oregon. Real nice. Had a little success in recent years and everything.
As far as I can tell your football program materialized in 1994 when Kenny Wheaton intercepted a Damon Huard pass to beat Washington. That reminds me of the play that put Washington on the map….
Wait, no it doesn’t. Because we’ve always been on the map. And if we did pick a play it sure as hell wouldn’t involve Oregon.
For the sake of argument if you had to pick the play that announced UW you would be forced to dig through grainy footage (if it exists) of Gil Dobie’s coaching career. Who’s Gil Dobie you ask? Well he coached 61 games for UW in the 1910s. AND HE DIDN’T LOSE A SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
“Ooh you have to talk about your history because you don’t have a present.”
This is the standard argument of Oregon and Washington State fans when Washington supporters point out their years upon years of domination. I’m sure if I had suffered the grave misfortune of attending one of those shitbox schools I would parrot this line also. It’s Rove-ian spin at its finest: Take your opponent’s strength and make it a weakness.
Two problems with this tactic:
(1) I’m not conceding Washington’s record against you chumps, nor our glorious history in general. That’s 58-37-5 against Oregon and 64-30-6 against Washington State for the record. The games were played and they count. I’m not throwing them out to make you feel better.
(2) Considering both of your schools boast a singular Rose Bowl win, and those wins occurred in 1916 (WSU) and 1917 (UO) respectively, I might hesitate to so readily discard the past.
Did I mention that in our worst ever decade we still managed to tack on yet another Rose Bowl? This is what I’m talking about.
I do agree with the efforts of Oregon to focus on the here and now from their perspective. Now may be all they have. Oregon is only 14 years old. Phil Knight is 70 years old. He won’t last forever, and Oregon’s success is inextricably contingent upon Knight’s freewheeling bankroll of their program.
Washington on the other hand has a century long established record of returning to prominence following brief down cycles regardless of whoever happens to be the program’s steward.
Not that Washington’s current plight is anything ideal, it’s just that we have rich people problems. All those years of success created a culture where Barbara Hedges believed that we were going to win no matter who was in charge or how the program was run. Instead of our usual steady gains, we’ve had to live off the trust fund during the last half decade.
Good thing we have it.
The fact remains that when led with purpose, Washington undeniably succeeds. With Oregon, who the hell knows? All gains must be aggressively and riskily reinvested in a futile attempt to amass the capital necessary for stability.
Think of it like Enron vs. Berkshire Hathaway. Every win widens the gap. Any loss easily dismissed as a statistical anomaly. The comfort of knowing that no matter what your rival achieves, they will never be on your level.
It’s called old money, and it feels great.
August 29th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Fantastic.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Best H&F post to date.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Brilliant, and spot on.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Look I’m a UW grad too but even I cant stand the smug yankee fan arrogance that exudes from Husky Nation. It’s pretty nauseating. Cant we enjoy our history without being dicks about it? Besides I think there’s a douchebag festival going on in OKC that needs this vitrol more than Oregon does.
August 29th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Perhaps the greatest address since Obama’s speech last night. I’m very curious to see how both Oregon and John McCain can respond to such verbal beatdowns. I wish I could show this to some Oregon fans and then listen to their sorry rebuttle.
I truly believe that somewhere inside their pathetic souls, all Cougs, all Ducks, and John McCain know what kind of worthless pieces of shit they really are. I think deep down, and I mean way deep down, I’m talking about that inner place where your soul sits and stares in the mirror all day while God leans over your shoulder and lectures you on the deep truths of life, that place where all things are laid bare. I think that’s the place where Oregon and Cougar fans die a little everyday. Because once in a while that place breaks through the surface and rears its ugly/beautiful head. It breaks through when Dixon’s knee shatters along with any hopes of a bowl victory. It breaks through when the Cougs throw a lateral pass that gets intercepted and they lose in overtime. It breaks through every time they shit the bed. Just when they think they are worthy human beings, their true nature shines through and they are exposed for the sacks of shit that they are. In some ways, my souls aches for the poor Ducks and Cougars that may one day read this post, because I can’t imagine the anxiety that they must live with as they walk around about their pathetic lives knowing that deep down they are frauds. And to know that there are whistle blowers out there like the Constable, and the rest of Husky Nation, would only add to your fear. Deep down they know who they are, but the truth is too real so they hide behind their crutches. Put me in a room with a Duck and I’ll expose his worst fears and secrets. I’ll put him in the hospital without laying a finger on him.
So to all you Ducks and Cougars, good luck out there, I guess. I fear for you. Luck may be the only thing you have, and she’s a cruel mistress. She won’t fuck the same losers twice. She likes winners, she likes royalty, she likes old money, and she loves the Dawghouse. Like any mistress, she does like to go slumming once in a while, but she always comes home. Because here, she gets taken care of. Here, she gets immortalized in the Hall of Fame. Here, she’s spoiled with rings and jewelry. Here, she gets showered with Roses. Here, she sleeps in a Purple bed with Gold silk sheets and gets fucked Dawgystyle.
P.S. Who the fuck is rhymenocerous? I’m hesitant to talk shit about someone I haven’t identified yet in case it’s Warren’s grandmother or something, but did he just liken us to the fucking Yankees? Did you really graduate from UW? Or was it UW-Bothell? Do you know where that arrogant smugness comes from? Did you read the article? Do you know why we think we are better than everyone else? SPOILER ALERT! WE ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE! Have some fucking pride and grow a pair. You went to the greatest university in history, now act like it.
September 1st, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Washington had some “good” teams and “some” measure of success prior to 1975. Obviously, alot more success than Oregon or Wazzu pre-75. But it wasn’t until James arrived that the Huskies became a perrenial national player, and your golden years (1975-1992) only produced 1/2 of a national championship. This shouldn’t be enough to make any realistic Husky fan to think of themselves as “old money” with tradition. But that’s typical of many Husky fans who inflate their accomplishments to the point of claiming national championships that they don’t have (e.g. 1960).
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Intercom voice: Welcome to the Bank of Husky, how can I help you today.
Fig Jam: Yes I’d like to make a withdrawal.
Intercom voice: certainly sir, what can I get you?
Fig Jam: From primary checking, I’d like to withdraw one embarassing loss to Oregon… Oh - and could I get an account balance on that as well?
September 9th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Tommy sucks.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
The Emaciators comments about how within the soul of a Duck fan, the “deep truths of life are laid bare” is poetic. Not only that, it contains some truth to it. I am a Duck fan, and I will admit that I am a little envious of Washington’s history. The U of W did create a solid football program that was able to compete with some of the best. Victories against traditional powers like Michigan, Oklahoma, Texas, and Nebraska are feathers in the cap that I wish Oregon possessed. Oh wait.. we do! And deep down in the soul of a Husky, it hurts to know that the UW is no longer “special” when it comes to Pacific Northwest football. Of course, the Husky fan will remind the Duck fan that the Husky victories against those powers were in Bowl games. But deep down, they know that a victory is still a victory and beating Oklahoma in Norman this weekend would be just as sweet as their 1985 Orange Bowl Victory in Miami. The anti-Duck Husky fan, however, will disagree to that last point because “deep down” a Husky fan knows that the past is all they got. And within the same part of the soul, they want what the Ducks have…a future.
September 11th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Did we beat all those teams in bowl games? Jesus, we’re something!