Fig Jam: Yes I’d like to make a withdrawal.

Intercom voice: certainly sir, what can I get you?

Fig Jam: From primary checking, I’d like to withdraw one embarassing loss to Oregon… Oh – and could I get an account balance on that as well?

I truly believe that somewhere inside their pathetic souls, all Cougs, all Ducks, and John McCain know what kind of worthless pieces of shit they really are. I think deep down, and I mean way deep down, I’m talking about that inner place where your soul sits and stares in the mirror all day while God leans over your shoulder and lectures you on the deep truths of life, that place where all things are laid bare. I think that’s the place where Oregon and Cougar fans die a little everyday. Because once in a while that place breaks through the surface and rears its ugly/beautiful head. It breaks through when Dixon’s knee shatters along with any hopes of a bowl victory. It breaks through when the Cougs throw a lateral pass that gets intercepted and they lose in overtime. It breaks through every time they shit the bed. Just when they think they are worthy human beings, their true nature shines through and they are exposed for the sacks of shit that they are. In some ways, my souls aches for the poor Ducks and Cougars that may one day read this post, because I can’t imagine the anxiety that they must live with as they walk around about their pathetic lives knowing that deep down they are frauds. And to know that there are whistle blowers out there like the Constable, and the rest of Husky Nation, would only add to your fear. Deep down they know who they are, but the truth is too real so they hide behind their crutches. Put me in a room with a Duck and I’ll expose his worst fears and secrets. I’ll put him in the hospital without laying a finger on him.

So to all you Ducks and Cougars, good luck out there, I guess. I fear for you. Luck may be the only thing you have, and she’s a cruel mistress. She won’t fuck the same losers twice. She likes winners, she likes royalty, she likes old money, and she loves the Dawghouse. Like any mistress, she does like to go slumming once in a while, but she always comes home. Because here, she gets taken care of. Here, she gets immortalized in the Hall of Fame. Here, she’s spoiled with rings and jewelry. Here, she gets showered with Roses. Here, she sleeps in a Purple bed with Gold silk sheets and gets fucked Dawgystyle.

P.S. Who the fuck is rhymenocerous? I’m hesitant to talk shit about someone I haven’t identified yet in case it’s Warren’s grandmother or something, but did he just liken us to the fucking Yankees? Did you really graduate from UW? Or was it UW-Bothell? Do you know where that arrogant smugness comes from? Did you read the article? Do you know why we think we are better than everyone else? SPOILER ALERT! WE ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE! Have some fucking pride and grow a pair. You went to the greatest university in history, now act like it.