Dear Diary: UW vs. Oregon State

Manny Faces

I decided to miss attending this one in person just in case I needed to commit an emergency suicide.  So come join Bea Arthur (my bong) and I on the couch as we enjoyed this afternoon’s crapfest.

"Sometimes" did not include today.

Continue to read after the jump if you want to relive the punishment:

Pregame:
Today’s game is being broadcast by Versus – the network that nobody knows what number channel it is on.  Looks like they are using the same camera equipment from the Soviet Union that Fox Sports uses.

Cut to some analyst guy catching a fish at Pike Place Market.  Reminder:  Vote Yes on Prop 1 so we can keep seeing this hilarious scenario played out until the end of days.

Joe Beninati and Kelly Stouffer(!!!) are our broadcast team today.  They are expecting a physical game due to Afalava blow to Jake Locker last year.  I wonder what kind of Afalava we are gonna see today, a’a or pahoehoe?  (Note:  I am already 3 Bea Arthur’s deep.)

1st Quarter:

14:54:  Ronnie Fouch lines up in the shotgun for the first play of the game.  WHISTLE.  Delay of game.  Ty deciding to start the game off on the right foot.

13:30:  Long pass by Fouch to D’Andre Goodwin negated by holding penalty on Jordan White-Frisbee.   An unfortunately typical drive leading to a punt.

10:33: Wow, two false start penalties on this drive for Oregon St.  It’s not like the fans in Husky Stadium are causing this though.  I am guessing that a large contingent is still pounding drinks in the parking lot.

…and the Huskies actually hold OSU on 3rd and long and force a punt.  I consider this to be as good as a touchdown for this team.

Commercial for the XL Explorer pizza at Papa John’s tied in with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  So I guess the pizza will look like it will be awesome like other pizzas, but then when you bite into it you will find it to be filled with dog shit.

7:40:  Fouch goes deep again for Goodwin who makes a great adjustment to make the catch.  48 yards.  I like what I’m seeing between these two.  (Ok Manny don’t get your hopes up.  Remember this is the team that has crushed your soul the last few years.)  It was a lucky catch.

5:00:  45-yard field goal coming so that means Jared Ballman will be kicking.   This has block written all over it.  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.  What??  He actually made it! Why is Ryan Perkins even on the team at this point?   Huskies up 3-0.

Stouffer makes an observation that a 3-0 Washington lead is like a 100-0 lead to this team.  Thanks Kelly, we know we suck, but it’s not like we are fielding a team of Special Olympians.

2:30:  After converting on 4th and 1, the Beavers run a fly sweep that James Rodgers runs takes 52-yards for the score.  Beavers up 7-3, or in Stouffer points 950,000-100.

1:26:  Stouffer reveals that Ronnie Fouch’s mom bought him the wrong shaving cream for him, causing a nasty rash on poor Ronnie’s face yesterday – more like Ronnie Ouch!
1:00:  Fouch for Goodwin deep again.  Goodwin called out-of-bounds but we are gonna take another look at this one.  Replay shows that Goodwin had at least one foot down.  However, the call on the field stands and Fouch comes back and throws a big, fat greek interception.   Just the kind of sequence the Husky fans have come to expect the last few seasons.

2nd Quarter:

14:15:  OSU hits a field goal.  10-3

11:30:  Terrence Dailey gets absolutely crushed by Afalava who leads with his head with this tackle again.  Hopefully the ghost of Curtis Williams will come back and haunt him.  Seriously, the dude is begging to be paralyzed.

11:00:  FUMBLE!  OSU recovers.  Shit.  Must soothe nerves…

Ease that pain...

8:50:  Beavers score on a nice 30-yard screen to James Rodgers again.  17-3.

7:30:  Fouch completes another nice pass to Goodwin.  The ball is perfect, with just enough touch to make it over the covering corner and hit Goodwin in stride.  It’s the kind of pass that I don’t think we are ever going to see Locker make.

3:30:  Ballman misses a 40-yarder.  Looks like UW is settling into the norm.

1:00:  Fouch to Goodwin again.  46-yards this time.  This seems to be the only offense that UW can muster.  This leads to a 44-yard field goal by Ballman with 0:25 left.

Halftime:
Huskies lingering around thanks to the Fouch-Goodwin express.  Goodwin has 122 yards at half.  Oregon St. has been finding huge holes in the Husky defense.  Knowing that Ty has about as much motivational power as my couch, a bag of weed, and a Man vs. Wild marathon, I expect UW won’t stay close for long.  Speaking of which, I wonder what’s on the Discovery Channel right now…

3rd Quarter:

13:18:  My favorite guy on defense, Mason Foster, is hurt.  Luckily he walks off under his own power and will hopefully be back.

8:30:  Backjizz Rodgers finds the end zone and the Beavers are pulling away 24-6.

4:00:  Ryan Perkins comes in to kick a 36-yarder.  Why the fuck would you do this?  Just stick with the fucking Ballman.  Perkins misses left, big surprise.

2:19:  Fouch takes a hit but completes a nice long ball to Jordan Polk.
…and we go into the 4th Quarter with an interception by Afalava.  Fuck you dude.  Seriously.

4th Quarter:

11:59:  Terrence Dailey blows through the defense for a huge 50-yard touchdown!  Just when I was thinking about how the Huskies were probably the most boring team to watch play offense…they go and do something moderately exciting.

7:30:  A bizarre little bit where the sideline guy, Lewis Johnson, decides to talk about how much Teo’Nesheim loves mayonnaise (“Mayo for Teo”).  Apparently he eats it on everything.  To demonstrate this point, there is a nice spread on a table of the following:  peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich, mayonnaise stew, mayonnaise lasagna, Fruit Loops and mayonnaise, Ho-Ho’s and mayonnaise, and mayonnaise brownies.  This is really the best you can expect considering Versus’ $50 production budget.

I think it’s time to get the fuck out of here.  What else is on TV now?  Ah yes! Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties – this will keep the razors from my wrists for a couple hours.

Check back in informs me that the final score was 34-13.  We suck.

Here are some capital knockers though:

Ah boobs. Making me forget about the hurt since 1981.