Why Only Dabble In The Nostalgia Business? 5 More Big Changes For Mariners Management

Sager Bombs

So ok.  Fine.  Griffey’s coming to Seattle.  And not this Griffey either. Is it really the right move for a rebuilding team?  Is it really going to increase attendance?  Oh sorry, you must be lost.  You were obviously looking for this site.  But what can HD&F bring to the table?  Ideas, baby!  We got em’.  And if the M Bombs are going into the nostalgia game, then knit me a sweater, pour me a brandy, and fire up the Bing Crosby 45’s, because I’m about to make sweet nostalgic mind-love to the entire front office. 

This is the other shit I want back this year:

1.  THE KINGDOME DOUBLE DOG

Before we even get into discussing this, let me just give a shout out to Google Safe Image Search.  Typing in “double hot dog” into image search had me cringing before I even hit return.  Fortunately, no dongs.  Google: providing a porn  free internet for people at work, the deeply religious, and asexual.  What a business model!

MOVING ON… the Kingdome Double Dog.  I still remember the first time my 10 year old fat ass saw this available at the concession stands.   Do you remember the Kingdome concession stands?  That’s probably for the best.  To say Safeco was a mild culinary improvement (and by that I mean an upgrade to “edible”) is like saying Bill Bavasi was mildly under qualified to run a franchise.   But while the Kingdome might have been lacking in firepower, they always had one bullet.

DOUBLE FUCKING DOG. 

I mean, look at it.  See how it has two hot dogs instead of one? See?  With the little strip of extra bun in the middle? I mean, what else do I need to say?  This is either blowing your mind or you’re hoping that Safeco expands their hot tea selection.    

2. TURN AHEAD THE CLOCK NIGHT

Look… Griffey loved it!  And somehow these uniforms are mildly less embarrassing than a few past ones.

3. THE MOTHERFUCKING PIRATE SHIP IN CENTERFIELD

I’ve been lobbying for this for years now.  The Kingdome used to have a pirate ship in the outfield (where that blue tarp is in the very first picture up top) and it would shoot off cannon blasts after home runs.  Did you forget that the Kingdome was, in fact, a dome?  Does this sound like an easy way to make everyone smell gunpowder for 30 minutes after every blast?  You would be exactly right!  Apparently SOMEONE up in corporate decided they didn’t want the military equivalent of a monster fart lingering around the stadium, so they went ahead and replaced the ship.  With indoor fireworks.  Which caused an even worse sulfur smell. 

Come on M’s.  Bring back the pirate ship.  It’ll give us a reason to hate Tampa Bay besides Randy Winn (even though that’s more than enough).  Your football stadium pirate ship is weak!   We could totally win in a battle of fake cannonballs!

4. THE TEARS OF JOEY CORA

Best giveaway night ever.  Place one tear in a vial (a la Angelina Jolie) and give them out to the first 10,000 fans.  How will we get 10,000 tears out of Joey Cora?  Remind him his coaching career is based on the continued sanity of Ozzie Guillen.

5. HEATHCLIFF SLOCUMB

Jesus, even that picture pisses me off.  Ok… second best promotional night ever.  Dress Slocumb up in one of those attack training suits and let everyone with a ticket punch him.  How early would you arrive for this opportunity?  I’d probably camp out overnight.  Possible substitutes if Slocumb isn’t interested: Bobby Ayala, Jeff Cirillo, Kaz Sasaki’s mistress (check his wiki page… best retirement ever), and Bret Boone’s steroid supplier.