Get To Know A Region: The West

Manny Faces

The 1996 classic album “Bow Down” by the Westside Connection educated people on what it meant to live on the Westsiiiiiide.  Ice Cube, Mack-10, and W.C., a.k.a.  The Gangsta, The Killa, and The Dope Dealer, attempted to create a worldwide Westside through their intimidating lyrics, threatening to kill everyone who disagreed with them.  Will the champion of this year’s tournament emerge from the Westside?  Here’s a look at three contenders.

The Gangsta:  Memphis (2-seed)

Memphis is the most dangerous #2 seed in the tournament.  After making it to the finals last year, Memphis lost most of the central pieces to that title run.  They lost last year’s freshman phenom (and #1 overall pick) Derrick Rose.  They lost All-American Chris Douglas-Roberts and their monster big man Joey Dorsey.  So how are they so good again?  Suffocating defense and length.  Memphis is holding opponents to an average of 36.2 percent shooting (best in the nation) and 56.9 points per game.  The secret is that Memphis is made up of freakishly long dudes.  Freshman PG Tyreke Evans is 6-6 with a 7-2 wingspan, Antonio Anderson is a 6-6 nightmare on the wing, and 6-10 Shawn Taggart and 6-9 Robert Dozier control the middle.  John Calipari has made this team love defense and they take pride in shutting people down.  Memphis takes what they want by not letting anybody else get theirs.  That’s gangsta.

The Killa: UConn (1-seed)

The Huskies bring four major weapons to every game.  They have guards A.J. Price and Jerome Dyson (27 ppg combined) and bigs Jeff Adrien and Hasheem Thabeet (27.3 ppg combined), making them very difficult to contain on defense.  UConn strikes death into their opponents defensively through blocks and rebounding.  UConn ranks first in the nation in blocks per game (8.0) thanks to the 7-3 Thabeet (4.6 bpg).  They are also sixth in the country in rebound margin, outrebounding opponents by 8.3 boards a game.  Nothing kills an opponent like successfully running a play, only to have that shit swatted.

The Dope Dealer: Washington (4-seed)

Washington’s dope is their controlled chaos style of play.  Opponents all want a little taste of it, they start thinking, “Hey this is pretty fun.  We can win like this.”  Before they know it, they are a bunch of worn-out degenerates committing various sexual favors in dumpsters.  Washington wants the other team to try to run with them, even keeping the score close for awhile.  Eventually, the Huskies will just wear the other team out.  The way this is successful is by making the opponent take bad shots and then rebounding those bad shots to start fast breaks the other way.  UW ranks #4 in the nation in rebound margin (8.4 rpg) and #13 in scoring offense (78.9 ppg).  Trying to run with the Dawgs is like trying to shoot heroin for the first time with Lou Reed.  It might be awesome at first, but in the end he’s just going to sit there laughing while you convulse on the floor and shit your pants.

The rest of the West after the break.

UConn vs. Chattanooga (16-seed)

These broke-ass Noogas don’t stand a chance.

Memphis vs. Cal-State Northridge (15-seed)

There was an earthquake in Northridge 15 years ago.  I think the Earth will be quite still when they play Memphis.

Missouri (3-seed)

The Tigers won the Big-12 Tournament.  They score a lot and cause a lot of turnovers (second in the nation in turnover margin).  They are somehow still under the radar as a 3-seed.

vs.

Cornell (14-seed)

Avoid picking Ivy League schools in the tournament like Rick Majerus avoids eating anything without mayonnaise.

Tits full of gravy.

Washington vs. Mississippi St. (13-seed)

Mississippi St. is everyone’s upset special here.  Seriously, there haven’t been so many white people in Mississippi salivating over a group of athletic black men since the state’s last legal slave auction (June 1973).  They have the nation’s leading shot-blocker Jarvis Varnado.  They had a good run through the SEC tournament, beating LSU and Tennessee.  Well why would the champion of the SEC be a 13-seed?  Answer:  They suck.

"Yeah them Bulldogs are great, but nothing makes me completely forget the soul-crushing squalor I accept as a daily lifestyle."

Purdue (5-seed)

They are adept at making boilers.  All I can think of about Purdue is how they are bursting at the seams with nerds, including their nerd leader Robbie Hummel.  Watching the Huskies beat them in the 2001 Rose Bowl was one of the greatest days of my life.  Adam S. and I tried all game to rub it into this nerdy Purdue couple sitting next to us, but they wouldn’t even make eye contact with us as we screamed directly into their faces from 6 inches away and loudly questioned the sexual orientation of Drew Brees.  I would love to see the Dawgs destroy them on the hardwood in the second round.

vs.

Northern Iowa (12-seed)

I didn’t even know so many people wanted to go to school in Iowa to warrant directional universities.  Apparently these people are foreigners (scholarships paid in corn for entire village):  Northern Iowa has a backcourt of Kwadzo Ahelegbe and Ali Farokhmanesh (21.4 ppg combined).

Marquette (6-seed)

Everyone is probably discounting this team without their star guard Dominic James.  Fuck it, so am I.

vs.

Utah State (11-seed)

The “other Aggies” in this region.  Their mascot, however, is awesome.  Big Blue got physical during the WAC tournament with New Mexico State’s mascot.

During a timeout with 7 seconds left and NMSU leading Utah State 70-69, Big Blue confronted the cowboy mascot and ripped off his fake mustache after a man wearing a Nevada shirt at the game offered $100 to the student in the costume modeled after Paul Bunyan’s Blue Ox if he would do so.

The cowboy then chased the bull to half court, jumped on his back and tried unsuccessfully to pull him to the floor. He then started to try to choke his rival before retreating to his end of the court. Moments later, Utah State’s Tyler Newbold hit a 15-foot shot with 3.1 seconds remaining to defeat NMSU 71-70.

Lesson:  Mascot violence is always a good thing.

California (7-seed)

Sidenote:  I would love to see Cal’s crappy mopey bear mascot become the victim of a brutal mascot raping.  Anyways, UW fans know what they can do after losing twice during the regular season.  Cal leads the nation in 3-point FG efficiency.  Excellent guard play from Jerome Randle and Patrick Christopher should battle well with Greivis Vasquez of Maryland.

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Maryland (10-seed)

Greivis Vasquez is the fiery latino emotional leader of this Terp squad.  He plays like a hot tamale.  However, if they want to win this enchilada they are going to need some good performances from the rest of the team rice and beans.

BYU (8-seed)

Do the Mormon players have to wear this crap under their uniforms?

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Texas A&M (9-seed)

How many Aggies does it take to build a bonfire?

58.  46 to build it and 12 to die when it collapses.  Too soon?