The Six Types of Soccer Douchebags

Ah, nostalgia. A couple nights ago, we almost got in a fight in the parking lot of the indoor soccer center. Why? Because we played against a douchebag.

The best word to describe this guy was a drip. With man-tits. Just a complete loser – unskilled, but ANGRY. He took it upon himself to repeatedly hack down our best player in the most ungraceful manner, who, of course, wasn’t going to take this lying down.

Stoner Ref (Guys? Can you like…guys?) wasn’t going to take any responsibility to punish these transgressions, so things got out of hand. Things really jumped up a notch – and quickly.

There may allegedly been a challenge to fight in the parking lot. The cops could have been called, hypothetically. 
But the fault lies with the douchebag. If you’ve ever played in a men’s league, you’ve probably encountered these guys. While soccer players can all be douche-y in their own special ways, these are the six most common archetypes of the men’s league D-Bag.

The Football Player

Now noticeably overweight, this guy played football (or thought he did) in high school. Side note: Just because you are now fat in your late 20s does not make you a “football player.” No matter how much you would like to believe that. You’re just fat. Sorry.


Anyways, the football player tries to make up for what he lacks in skill with INTENSITY. And is waaaay too intense for everyone on the field. He’ll usually start 1-2 altercations on the field by clattering into someone awkwardly and/or getting in someone’s face about it. Go join a rugby team. This guy is a complete and utter douchebag.

The Fat Guy Who Yells

If the average age of his team is x, then this guy is usually x+5. Generally some sort of middle manager at work, the fat guy thinks the ass-kissing he gets at work will transfer into the game. Sadly, on the field he is just another douchebag. You’ll see him rolling around the field, shouting instructions, and not playing defense.

This guy also likes to yell at the ref. Why? What’s the point? When the legs stop moving, the mouth starts. The FGWY is especially infuriating if he’s British, which seems to happen a lot.

The Guy Who Didn’t Wash His Jersey

The best way to create space. When crossed with the guy who wears sweatpants/jean shorts/polo shorts; a lethal combination of le douche sans un douche.

The Fake Gangster


Look at Johnny Tough Guy. This guy is a fucking prick. Usually younger, also sometimes with a shaved head. Can be a decent player, but talks a ton of shit while doing it. He needs to be brought down with the utmost haste. Doesn’t know how to take a foul with the proper modesty; everything is an affront to him.

Yes, you did get fouled…now move on. Nobody’s “got beef” with you.

Frank Lampard

Total. Douche.

The Diver

If the referee doesn’t take control of the situation, and he usually won’t, the diver can also cause a fight with his douchiness. Especially when he dives in the box. Nothing will make a team see collective red than a dive in the box rewarded with a penalty kick.

This guy is basically the equivalent to the guy who tries to draw walks in rec league softball.

The guy who wanted to tussle with us was a combination of this and the fake gangster (although, to be fair, he also smelled). 

In the end, cooler heads prevailed and we got out of there before the po-po showed up. But it all could have been avoided – in the end, a douchebag is a douchebag. My advice: deal with them harshly on the field, try to avoid a red card while doing so, and leave it at that.