H&F Vault: On People Freaking Out About Michael Vick

*****Editor’s note: In celebration of Michael Vick signing with my beloved Eagles, we are re-running what may be the greatest post in this site’s history, authored by Manny Faces. See the original post here******

“Let that word resound from hill to hill and from mountain to mountain, from valley to valley across this broad land. May God help those poor souls who would be so cruel. Barbaric! Hear me!” – A blubbery jowled and insane Senator Robert Byrd to a nearly empty Senate Chamber.

I mean, really dude?

“One is left wondering, who are the real animals: the creatures inside or outside the ring?”

Well Senator Byrd, according to your crazy fairy tale of Creationism, the dogs inside the ring are still the only animals on the premises.

“I am confident that the hottest places in hell are reserved for the souls of sick and brutal people who hold God’s creatures in such brutal and cruel contempt.”

Wait a second, where all the gays, blacks, and single mothers going to hang out then?

“There are white niggers. I’ve seen a lot of white niggers in my time.”

That Senator Byrd quote is unrelated to this story, but clearly this man has lost all touch with reality. (You can see his entire rambling diatribe here, here, & here.)

Are people really that pissed off at Michael Vick? I mean really? Sure the allegations make it sound like Michael Vick is some deplorable dog killer, but hey, who hasn’t wanted to punt a chihuahua or hook up a car battery to your girlfriend’s toy poodle after soaking it with a fire hose? Michael Vick simply had the money to do this shit on a grander scale. And besides, he was just doing this with dogs, not some endangered species, not illegal immigrants, but dogs. We are not talking about bum fights here, just some good ol’ fashioned dog-on-dog action. (no, not that kind perv, but here you go if you want it)

People are really disturbed about how someone could just kill so many of these “innocent creatures”. Investigators found a whopping SEVEN dead dogs during their search of the area. If you are outraged by this, go down to any animal shelter in a city and ask them how many dogs they kill each day. I guarantee that it is more than seven. Thousands of dogs are killed every day in this country. It’s the same dog-owning people who are losing their fucking minds over this story that are letting their unspayed or unneutered pets go whore themselves out around the neighborhood, leading to all these stray dogs having to be executed by animal control, but suddenly, Michael Vick has become the biggest threat to dogs since the Ming Dynasty.

Also, there is pee pee in coke

Everyone in the media is emphasizing how many dogs Vick beat/hung/electrocuted, but nobody is talking about how many dogs he lovingly nurtured and provided for on his ranch. Hundreds of dogs have (probably) graduated from the Bad Newz Kennels and gone on to become doctors, lawyers, or even a state congressman.

I want to be an engineer!

Another thing is that most of these people have never killed a dog, so they don’t know what kind of satisfaction they have been missing. Maybe they have accidentally run over a dog with their Chevy Tahoe, but I bet nothing compares to the rush you get from taking away a dog’s life with your own hands. I think Gary Busey describes it best in his superb monologue from “Surviving the Game”:

The thing is, dogs are like people – some are cool, some are assholes. Pitbulls tend to be like guys who have barbwire or tribal arm-band tattoos, more likely than not they are going to be huge cockeaters. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing two of those dudes drunkenly beat the shit out of each other outside the bar. Same with pitbulls, I’d much rather they are isolated on some ranch, biting the balls off each other, than in some family’s house, chewing a baby’s face off. Maybe that’s just me though. There’s multiple leagues for assholes with arm-band tattoos to fight in: UFC, IFL, PRIDE Fighting Championships, etc. Why can’t asshole dogs have their own fighting league?

Free arm-band tattoo with purchase of red fighting gloves.

I would like to see the United States have a more progressive view on dog fighting and expand to other forms of animal fights. So many hypothetical fights that would never happen in nature could finally have a real victor. Grizzly Bear vs. Great White Shark? Gorilla vs. 5 Anacondas? Narwhal vs. Unicorn? There is no way that this wouldn’t attract millions of viewers each fight.Dog fighting is accepted across the globe and not just in third-world nations. Japan, England, Argentina, Brazil, and many other leaders in the global economy, the “Gloconomy” if you will, all allow dog fighting in some form (sometimes robot form, thank you Japan). Dog fighting has even seen a resurgence in Afghanistan since the fall of the Taliban, who banned the sport. Now does this country forget what our troops fought for and continue to fight for overseas? Aren’t we just being caught up in the rhetoric that allowed the Taliban to seize power in the first place? I, for one, will not stand and let my country be overrun by a bunch of religious fundamentalists, telling me what I can say, read, wear, or watch fight. It’s called freedom, and I love it.Ol' Glory