Pac 10 Football, Why your team is a joke

Fig Jam

As we approach yet another Pac 10 football season there is much commentary on what each team has to look forward to in the coming season.  This is the time of the year for unbridled optimism.  To provide a little perspective in contrast to everyone’s rose bowl colored glasses, here is why your favorite Pac 10 team is a joke. 

Arizona Wildcats

Hey did you know that your coach is Bob Stoops’ younger brother?  Did you know that?  Well, if you didn’t know then let me be the first to inform you that your head coach is the younger sibling of one of the best college football coaches in the country.  In fact, your coach made a name for himself (well…. sort of) by working for his older brother at Oklahoma.   Isn’t that neat?  He also has a gigantic temper problem and can often be seen on the sidelines acting like a complete ass.  Kinda like a spoiled little kid who’s older brother has always protected him but happens to be out of town so that spoiled little kid has no idea what to do when a bully takes his lunch money except hop around, piss and moan, and just generally act like an assclown.   Yeah, he’s a classy guy down there.

Seriously though Arizona – you are a fucking joke.   You once played in the “Salad Bowl,” and you lost.  To Drake.  You’ve never been to the Rose Bowl.   That’s right.  Zero Rose Bowl appearances.  Ever.  Only school in the Pac 10 who can make that claim.  Nice work.

Arizona State Sundevils

That’s an awesome 8.4 million dollar “devil dome” you have there ASU.  Man that thing is sweet.  Good idea building a indoor facility for your players so they can get out of the heat sometimes.  What’s that made out of  anyways, toothpicks and glad garbage bags?  Oh and how long was that “devil dome” standing before it got absolutely owned by a windstorm?  1 month?  Nice.  Did you clear it with god before you constructed a fabric building named after satan in a region of the country prone to windstorms?  No, looks like you did not.

Your devil dome does provide a nice metaphor for the stability of your program though. 

(also – I gave Zona crap for losing the “salad bowl” to Drake, but you one upped them there didn’t you.  0-2 lifetime with losses to Xavier and Miami of Ohio.  Xavier hasn’t played D1 football since 1973.  Well done.)

California Golden Bears

Hey Cal, do  you guys have a tree I can live in?  Do you?  I’m in the market for a  tree that’s kinda close to your stadium.  A nice tree with good foliage and that may or may not be where you’d like to construct a few upgrades like a nice new weightroom.  If all  goes according to plan, myself and a few other tree hugging hippies who have no money or clout good samaritans will succeed in stalling out your improvement plans for several seasons.  Nothing says, “our football program has political juice in the University” like the inability to get a few people out some trees around your stadium.  Sure you can beat USC, but when it comes to tree-sitters, you get owned. 

If this was the SEC or Big 12 this tree sitter scenario would have lasted about 2 weeks.  One week for the alumni association to plan the “beer, brats, and shooting hippies out of trees (BYOG)” alumni event, and then one week to hold the “Beer, brats, and shooting hippies out of trees (BYOG)” alumni event.

 The last time Cal played in the Rose Bowl Alaska wasn’t even a state.  The last time Cal won a Rose Bowl our President was Franklin Roosevelt.  Anyways, your ‘resurgent’ football existence continues this year Cal.  I look forward to visiting your stadium soon and sitting on “tightwad hill,” where the joke is that people don’t even care about your team enough to pay to come into the stadium. 

Oregon

So my shoelaces on my new running shoes just snapped.  Should I call admissions or the administration to find out about where I can get a new pair?  No I’m serious, what about my running shoes?  I paid 115 dollars for these shoes but it appears that the kid in Malaysia that assembled them didn’t do a very good job – so I want answers Oregon. See if you can’t pull yourself away from your flatscreen TV’s and automatic frosted glass doors for 2 seconds to address the needs of the shoe-buying public. 

You know what else is weird?  I went to your football practice facility to try and evaluate this year’s team, but all I found were a bunch of guys with sewing machines.  I interviewed the quarterback, who  thought that the new wings on the shoulderpads were “Fabulous” and the Linebackers chipped in that the new white Uni’s were “breathtaking” and “stunning.”  I guess you know what’s important down there.  Oh and one more thing – your mascot is literally Donald Duck.  Want to know what happens when you search “Oregon Ducks Funny Pics”  on google?  Here:

Real nice.  Explain that. 

I leave you with this:

 ”Ducks are the college football version of Paris Hilton…they’re famous for no reason, they look pretty and they got a rich daddy.” – Kirk Herbstreit

Oregon State

Are you a Beaver believer?  Do you realize that your team mascot is a beaver?  How do you feel about that? 

A question I had for you Oregon State is what’s the deal  with your stadium? Why, when you remodeled it, did you only make it so that 1/2 of it is beautiful and nice and the other half looks like a high school stadium?  Further to that point, why when your games are televised, does it appear that the camera crews are only allowed to show the side that makes it look like you have a legitimate stadium?  Where are the panoramic views of “Reser Stadium” showing both the side with the nice seating, the luxury boxes, and the  2-tiered designed, across from the side featuring 40 rows of straightback bleacher seating?  What happened there exactly?  Why is one entire side of your stadium 1/2 the size of the other side?  Did you run into some construction problems?  Did too many Beavers fall victim to falling trees, causing construction to be halted?  Is that it?

Moment of silence for those Beavers who lost their lives in the construction of a completely unbalanced stadium:

I guess you might be a joke if you construct your home field to appear to television audiences as if it is large and in charge, but if you pan the camera just a little bit to the… “DON’T PAN OVER THERE…. DON’T!!”.. Oh ok. 

Stanford

Stanford, you have a problem with Shrinkage.   That’s right, you actually shrank your football stadium’s capacity and it still isn’t full of people.  Maybe you need to see your doctor about that.  Maybe you should playfootball in Maples Pavillion.

I did see that your band can take a tackle or two though.  How does it feel that the most famous play in your school’s football history involves your teams band?  How does it feel that John Elway’s career at your school ended with him on the sidelines watching “the play?”   I bet that sucks actually.  It probably hurts to think about even today.  My question Stanford is if you are so smart, why was your band on the field before the game was over? 

 Pull your pants up Stanford,  your shrinkage is embarassing.

UCLA

Hey, I know you.  You’re that other school in LA aren’t you?  The school in the nice area of town with the incredible basketball tradition and the coach who systematically destroyed the institutions where he was previously employed.  Yeah I thought I recognized you UCLA.  How’s that coaching thing going anyways?  Any NCAA violations yet? No.  Ok well just hold on a few months because they are on the way.  Let me ask you this UCLA, what exactly about your coaches reputation drew you to him as a coaching candidate?  Was it his nickname?  Slick Rick.  Was it the fact that nobody has heard from Colorado or Washington since he left those schools in a smoldering pile of ruins? Is that it?  I mean, I would  think that you feel invisible already seeing as you share LA with a team that absolutely owns the conference.  I’m surprised you would take the next step of leveling your own program just to make sure that people knew you were irrelevant. 

“FOLLOW ME.”

USC TROJANS

You know what I love about Pete Carroll, his energy.  He’s bouncing around practice, he’s yelling, he’s pumped, he’s having a good time.  Whether he’s talking to players or boosters or agents or steriod dealers or money launderers or ineligible high school kids, that guy’s message is always on point.  “We will cheat our ass off to win.”  It’s ironic because you’d think being in the largest market in the conference and having incredible tradition and a rich recruiting base to draw from would be enough to win straight up, but I like that you guys over at USC don’t leave anything to chance. 

And speaking of all that tradition at SC, how about that Heritage Hall.  You still have OJ Simpson featured there?  Of course you do, because you don’t care about the fact that he’s a cold blooded killer.  You care about the fact that he could really knife through a defense and won you a heisman. Stay classy USC.

Washington

Sigh.  You are a motherfucking joke of a joke Washington.  Your sorry sack got slashed and burned by Slick Rick, went on a wins diet with Keith “Slim” Gilbertson, and then watched as Tyrone Willingham came in and treated everyone and everything around your program like shit for 4 seasons.  You got punked by that guy.  0-12.  Nice. Fucking. Job.   Oh and then when you did fire him you let him coach out the season “for the kids” and let him air you out every chance he had.  Especially nice touch when he played the race card and said that minority coaches only get the “Downtrodden” programs.  Fuck I guess he’s right, when he showed up in December of 2004 it had  been almost four years since you won a Rose Bowl Washington.  FOUR.  I mean, imagine if you were like Cal or Oregon or Arizona and it had been 50 or 90 years since that had happened, or if it had never happened.  Think of how downtrodden you would have been then.

Yeah, you played your cards well there you sly dawgs you.  Your big plan for revival consists of robbing a bank and then robbing USC of half its coaching staff.  Good luck with that.

Washington State

If you can believe it, you are more pathetic than Washington.  Can you believe that Washington State?  You beat them last season and people still believe that you were the worst team in the conference.  How sad is that?  Speaking of sad, have you seen your stadium?  Calling it a postage stamp is being generous.  You cram almost 34,000 people in on gamedays, except when your team is bad and then it’s nowhere near that many.  WSU you have played a college football game in the past 3 seasons that had less people at it than a Syracuse basketball game.  Fail. 

Oh and it gets worse – you named your stadium after a UW grad.  How the hell is that possible?  Who was asleep at the tractor wheel for that call?  I don’t care how much money Mr. Martin donated to your school, when it comes to naming your football stadium, you don’t name it after a graduate of your rival institution.  If you want to name a building after him, fine, do it on campus somewhere far away from the sports complexes. 

When Ted Miller came up for a Northwest tour of the Pac 10, he  spent time at all the schools.  Washington, Oregon, Oregon State.  Yep, he got ‘em all.  Didn’t miss anybody.  Joke’s on you Wazzu.