I’ve heard that Mr. Thomas has cover-corner skills. What I haven’t heard talked about yet is how Mr. Thomas’ ability to cover one-on-one will free Pete Carroll to be more adventurous on defense. Seattle struggled to pressure the quarterback in 2009–having a safety who can shut down a wide receiver will allow for some exotic blitz packages. So while we didn’t pull the trigger on the defensive end some were hoping for, we did address that need by making us a smidgen more able to rush the passer.

For what’s it worth, I thought the New York Jets had the best first round. Grabbing Kyle Wilson with the 29th pick, they further strengthened their already formidable pass defense to abet Revis and Cromartie and added an electric kick returner. For a team that’s almost ready to challenge for the Super Bowl under Rex Ryan , that’s more than you could  expect with that pick.

BULLET POINT: OPTIONS! The way I see it, the Hawks have four options.

1. Package the picks and move up to grab Ndamukong Suh
2. Keep the picks and get some brutes (offensive/defensive linemen would be preferable)
3. Keep the picks and go sexy (C.J. Spiller, Jimmy Clausen, etc.)
4. Package the picks and move down to the late 1st (you could get 3-4 solid NFL starters with #6 and #14).

Of those, I advocate the fourth option. Maybe I’m a risk-averse person, but the boom/bust rate of mid-to-high 1st rounders seems to high to me. Logistically it would be hard to work out, but the Seahawks are going to be such a shitburger in 2010 and have so many holes to fill, this is then most practical method to start rebuilding.

If you want people to start buying tickets, put a competitive team out there.  Draft picks are the best and cheapest option to do so. Which leads me to…

BULLET POINT: STUPID!! The Charlie Whitehurst deal gets stupider and stupider the closer to the draft we get. If so many teams wanted him, why was he not the backup in San Diego? Why did we have to give up so much for him? I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, but if the organization picks a QB at any point in the draft I’m going to burn down Qwest Field.

BULLET POINT: FINALLY!!! Does it seem like the sports media has been covering the draft for approximately two months? It’s ridiculous. Glad it will be finally over soon.

BULLET POINT: NON-SEQUITUR!!!! Colin Cowherd is the best sports radio personality alive. Love his program.

What does everyone think? Excited about Thursday’s primetime draft? Think the Hawks are going to screw the pooch? Confident in Pete Carroll’s ability to lead men older than 25 years old? LET’S TALK ABOUT IT!

One of the more underrated “what-if” scenarios of all time involves Ravens backup QB Troy Smith.  After a great rookie campaign that had many for him to take over the starting job from Kyle Boller (I know I know…), he was slated to start for the Ravens in 2008.  During the preseason he caught a rare case of tonsillitis, which allowed the Ravens staff to take a more detailed look at this other guy they drafted named Flacco.  Smith has never really been a factor since. 

This offseason, the Ravens placed a shockingly low 5th round tender on the 25-year-old QB, making Smith one of the best under-the-radar bargains out there.  Smith has a great arm, is evasive, smart, and is one of the consensus best backups in the league.  He was a winner in college and has embraced his role as a backup (at least as much as any young, talented backup can).

More importantly, if the Seahawks aren’t going to spend that #6 pick on a quarterback in the upcoming draft, there is absolutely no question that no other acquisition could provide as much bang for their buck as using a fifth rounder for the right to sign Smith.  I’m not saying he’s the second coming of Brees or Manning but he has a Steve McNair (his former tutor) level ceiling and if needed he could start now.  It’s the kind of move that a smart franchise should absolutely investigate.

What people seem to forget is that Brandon Marshall’s “character issues” started occurring after his best friend Darrent Williams was gunned down in his car by some Denver gang members. Gang members, who, presumably told Brandon that the same thing was going to happen to him, either implicitly or explicitly.

Can you blame him for wanting to get out of Denver?

It’s true, he’s had some other brushes with the law, but he can really catch the ball. He’s unguardable. Considering you have to pay these draft picks about the same amount of money (before they have even played one snap of NFL football), yeah, I think BM is a no-brainer. Especially if you can get him for the #14 pick.

And so what if I like Frasier? That was an excellent show that has aged quite nicely.

To say that the Seahawks current offseason is one of great importance is sort of like saying a kick to the balls can be something of great discomfort.  A new head coach, staff, and front office would be more than enough for any team to experience growing pains.  But there’s a lot more on the line. 

The late season collapse of the Broncos puts the Seahawks in the enviable but not-enviable position of a mid-draft first round pick.  Obviously higher picks are better than lower ones, but when you factor in our own draft spot there is suddenly a whole lot riding on a new front office not fucking up right off the bat.  What do I mean?

Last year’s #14 pick signed a five-year, $19 million dollar deal with $11 million guaranteed.  Last year’s #6 pick was the infamous Andre Smith holdout, which resulted in a four-year deal with $21 million guaranteed.  Just by those numbers alone, the Seahawks will likely be looking at sinking close to $35 million in guaranteed money.  No pressure for the new staff or anything.  That #6 pick, by all accounts, seems quite likely to be one of the top Offensive Lineman to begin the process of replacing Walter Jones’ corpse.  As for the #14, that’s anyone’s guess. 

It seemed like an immediate steal when we made the swap with Denver last year.  Now we’ve got a very risky pick that will have us investing a ton of money into rookies.  The 14 spot isn’t exactly littered with busts, but it’s seen more than it’s fair share of overpaid league average (or below) players.  Yes there was Darrelle Revis there, but there have been a lot of Brodrick Bunkleys.  Fortunately, we have the uncapped year going for us, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we see the team trading down at the #14 unless they feel like there’s a home run there.  Sure, it’s laying up, but with this much at stake it’s probably the right move to do.

Does Carroll deserve another shot at the NFL? He wasn’t a terrible coach in New England, if you look at his career record of 33-31. The energetic 58-year old was profiled by L.A. magazine in a piece that will absorb the next hour of your life. He also has a history in Seattle — Carroll was the cornerbacks coach with the Hawks before taking the SC job in 2001.

What do you think? Would Pete Carroll be a good coach for the Seahawks?

<thanks to hot tipper skdub>

Lost in the shadow of the Huskies non-embarrassing debut is the fact the Seahawks kick off the regular season this weekend. Remember the Seahawks? The team that went to the Super Bowl a few years ago? One disastrous injury plagued season has scuffed the shine of the region’s most popular local team. This preseason didn’t exactly help, as Chris Spencer and Marcus Trufant suffered injuries that will have them missing most of the first half of the season (in the best case scenario). Walter Jones had two knee surgeries in 8 months and there’s a great chance the best offensive lineman in Seahawk history will retire before the year ends.  Add in the fact that no one seems to *really* believe that Matt Hasselbeck is really 100% and you’ve got an easy recipe for casual fan apathy.

But is it really that bad?

You never know what to truly make of preseason but the offense looked solid (if not occasionally spectacular) and Hasselbeck-to-Housh is showing potential to be a great combination. The secondary practiced addition by subtraction via cutting Brian Russell, and adding Lawyer Milloy should bring a little depth (and he’s still an upgrade over Russell). Tatupu-Hill-Curry is one of the best linebacker cores in the league. Oh, and trading for Denver’s 1st round pick in 2010 is looking like it might be the steal of the draft.

Still, perception and reality are different things. The Huskies look like they’re on their way back up (pardon me, I’m knocking on every piece of wood in my house) while the Seahawks are staring at a window that might have already closed.   Mora is a douchebag and hasn’t done much to alter his reputation as a player’s coach who never truly has control over his roster  He might only be able to truly make an impact as head coach for one year.   But look!  It’s year one!  Right now!  Wheeeee!

I ask Seahawks doubters to take one more look at their perfectly manageable schedule, to remember what a shitshow the NFC West is, and to exercise a little patience. The Husky rebuilding effort will likely be the dominant story for football 2009 in the northwest, but it’s a little early to bury these Seahawks just yet.  It’s ok to be excited for football on BOTH Saturday and Sunday… promise! More importantly, I’m ready to finally be able to debate whether Qwest or Husky Stadium gets louder. Whether or not both teams can overlap their periods of success is a debate for further down the road.

Mount Rainier, with Tacoma in the foreground

Recently, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Seahawks coach Jim Mora Jr. climbed Mt. Rainier. As someone who climbed that peak just days before them, I can vouch for the difficulty of that task. Physically it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Nine miles and 9,000 vertical feet in 24 hours, and then you have to turn around and come back down.

I took a slightly different route than Goodell’s group – going instead up the Kautz glacier. But at the end of the day, you still have to reach the 14,410 foot summit under your own power. Hopefully you’ve been training, but really nothing is going to prepare you for the hours you’ll put in with upwards of 45lbs on your back with no sleep at 10,000ft+ all while looking out for crevasses at 3 a.m.

Towards the top you’ll be taking three breaths in between steps and it’ll still feel like you’re in a full on sprint. It was my first time up the mountain just like theirs and even with all the training I did plus bagging Mt. Baker a couple weeks before, I wasn’t ready for the challenge.

Staring into Rainier's soul at 3 a.m.

A big break for me was that my climbing partner Dave (imagine a mix between William Wallace and a hobbit) had been wanting to do the Kautz route for some time and that this happened to be his 30th summit, a landmark of sorts. I spent the last couple miles leading up to the summit desperately hoping he would want to quit as much as I did so we could turn around. If all it would take was to put up with me trying to take a nap at the end of his rope every 20 minutes, then it wasn’t going to lower his expectations of us making it.

It was pretty inspirational to climb with someone to whom the mountain means so much. I mention that because leading Goodell and Mora’s climb was both Ed Viesturs and Peter Whittiker. Depending on how familiar you are with Mt Rainier, the Pacific Northwest’s place in the world of climbing, the history of Americans on Everest, or a certain Martin Campbell’s masterpiece Vertical Limit, you might know who they are.

If not, then the best way to put it is that we’re talking having Lance Armstrong on your team for the Seattle-to-Portland this weekend, Hotdog on your 4th of July kickball team, or Tiger on your team for a best-ball tourney. Needless to say the team was motivated to perform.

I had actually heard Viesturs was supposed to be on the mountain that day so after signing the summit register I gave it a once-over looking for his or Mora’s name. My climbing partner Dave later asked if I got enough time at the summit crater. My immediate response was, “more than enough”.

I wanted nothing more than to get that nauseous feeling out of my stomach which had, somewhere after 11,000ft, embedded itself in my gut. Sure it would have been nice to spend some more time relaxing at the steam vents or chatting with that friendly old European guy whom I assume is a pretty permanent fixture there, but at the time all I could only think of was getting back toward sea level ASAP.

An exhausted White Ghost at the summit. (Mt. Saint Helens in the background.)

There will be plenty of next times to think about taking it all in and find the best way to spread that addictive, contagious inspiration that seems to follow these feats of accomplishment. Or at least next time I’ll get a decent summit picture.

The bottom line is that it’s a brutal slog the whole way, no matter what route you are doing. Both our routes left from the Paradise lodge and would climb 9,000 ft to the summit. Taking the whole first day to climb to 11′000 ft for a quick nap, waking at midnight and then climbing 8 hours nonstop to get to the summit is not all Paul Silvi high fivin’ fun.

Sure my route didn’t feature any NFL commissioners brought to tears and did have two sections of ice wall protected by screws I placed at 2 in the morning with my own hands.  However we didn’t raise $380,000 for the United Way, so I would say it’s about a break-even as to whose climb was more successful.

Rapelling down an ice sheet on the descent

Nothing ruins an opening night like bird carcasses strewn about the stadium. According to a source close to the team, Seattle Sounders FC has abandoned plans to have doves fly around Qwest Field on Opening Night after at least three were killed by marauding hawks.

During a dry-run of Opening Night festivities last Thursday, the soccer team released several white doves from the tunnel, which were supposed to fly around the stadium a bit before returning to their home in Auburn (or thereabouts). However, they soon found themselves in peril as three hawks dive-bombed the easy targets.

What happened after was nothing short of a symbolism-laden massacre. One hawk reportedly killed a dove, dropped the carcass into the stands, and then went back for seconds.

Thanks for the free dinner!

I still hope the club changes its mind and flies doves on Opening Night – this would be up their with the Blue Angels as the coolest thing any of us will ever see.

Not sure how I missed this fantastic LA Times piece on the recruiting of TJ Houshmandzadeh, but it really shows how badass the Seahawks are when it comes to selling the franchise to free agents.  Read it.  See what the prize package entails:

• -Paul Allen’s private jet picked up TJ and flew him and the family to Seattle.  Side note: the Bengals once notoriously tried to woo Tony Siragusa by flying his fat ass to Cincy on a coach ticket. 
• -”Once the family arrived, they hopped on Allen’s seaplane for a tour of the city, including a pass over Qwest Field, where the scoreboard was lighted with a shot of the receiver and his career stats”
• -”[O]ne of the Seahawks’ equipment men used to work in Cincinnati, and knew the kind of shoes and gloves that Houshmandzadeh prefers. [In Kirkland] there they were, the same brand of shoes and gloves, complete with the lime-green Seahawks detail”

Inside information, flaunting of cash, wooing the family, blatant use of seaplanes… it’s fantastic stuff.  It’s like what Neuheisal always wanted to do but couldn’t because of those pesky NCAA recruiting rules.  But my favorite tidbit is this:

Mora felt very good about the visit, though, and he trusted that Houshmandzadeh did too. So, when they sat down for the last time, the coach pointed to the player’s wristwatch — a diamond-encrusted Breitling worth more than most cars. Mora asked to take custody of it, just more incentive for Houshmandzadeh to come back.

Clearly it worked, but I’m starting to think that maybe the Huskies dodged a bullet not having this guy as their coach.  America is better off letting this guy run his full court press.

The Seahawks team store always has had some really bizarre items in it, but this for some reason really entertains me.  That little blurb up there is on one side of the coin… if you want to see the whole thing click the link and enjoy. 

My favorite parts of the coin:

• It’s not actually a “coin” in that it has value per se.  It’s a coin in that it is an engraved circular piece of metal.  All the value comes from the slightly amateurish drawing of Coach Holmgren. 
• That resume up there pointing out that he led the Seahawks to the Super Bowl.  Um… why not just say NFC Champions?  I’m pretty sure we know what happened after the team was led.
• It’s a freaking collectible coin.  Where does this stand compared to collectible plates?  Will it go up in value?  Should I be investing in these or Obama t-shirts? 
• The page says the coin requires 4-6 weeks for “production”, which suggests these are being made to order in the Qwest Field basement.
• The action shot of Holmgren coaching, which is (naturally) one of him giving a stink face.  Clearly the team was on defense at the time.

This page has given me a good hour of enjoyment today.  COLLECTIBLE COIN FEVER!  I hope it becomes a set and the next one is of Julius Jones with a frowny face.  Or maybe a Justin Forsett coin so I can give up on it and toss it to someone else. Then they can decide they don’t want it either and then I’ll pick it back up, try and use it in a transaction, and be shocked to find out it’s nowhere as valuable as people on the internet thought. 

COIN FEVER!

UPDATE: Leroy Hill gets the franchise tag anyway. Nice try, though.

sea.scout.com

Leroy Hill was arrested on January 24th in Atlanta for misdemeanor marijuana possession. On the surface the arrest would appear to come at a terrible time for the free agent to be.

But could it have been a calculated move by Hill to avoid a franchise tag from the notoriously character conscious Seahawk GM Tim Ruskell? The arrest could free up Hill to negotiate a long term contract with any team, rather than be held up for another year in the shadow of Julian Peterson and Lofa Tatupu.

From Danny O’Neil’s PI blog:

Hill was the only one in the car, which was a 1975 Buick Electra.

The deputy asked to search Hill’s car, Hill consented to a search. The deputy found two bags of marijuana in a bookbag on the passenger seat. Hill was arrested and charged with misdemeanor possession because the amount is less than an ounce.

He also was charged with a traffic violation and an equipment violation because a brakelight was out.

classiccars.com

Really. I’m supposed to believe that Leroy Hill drives a 1975 Buick Electra?

I’m supposed to believe that a dude as rich as Leroy Hill is rolling around with less than an ounce of weed? Two bags and less than an ounce?

And the taillight? Honestly, it’s like his agent took a baseball bat to the car he bought for $1700 from the junkyard. “Let’s just make sure you get pulled over.”

Hold up. The weed was in a BOOKBAG!? Suuuuuuure.

You can imagine Hill driving around for hours without being pulled over, before calling his agent saying he’s just going home to go to bed.

Hill: “Good plan, but it’s just not happening tonight.”

Agent: “Wait, sleep in the car.”

Hill: “Well, I guess. I’ll just pull over.”

Agent: “No! Just park the fucker in the middle of the street. They’ll have to arrest you.”

Hill: “You are a mad genius.”

Leroy Hill sat out the final four games of last season with a pinched nerve in his neck. I promise you in the NFL there is a shot you can get for that. Hill could rightfully be tired of getting third billing on a Seahawks linebacking corps that he is an integral part of. Also, Hill could simply want to play for an NFL team closer to the south, where he grew up and went to college (read: anywhere but Seattle).

Julian Peterson’s cap number was $7.31 million last year. Lofa Tatupu’s was $2.74 million (no doubt adjusted, he makes more than that). Leroy Hill’s was a relatively paltry $1.07 million. For comparison, Niko Koutouvides pocketed $1.28 million.

NFL Linebacker Salaries (USA Today)

HuffPo

Marijuana offenses are not high on the NFL’s list of transgressions. Santonio Holmes was arrested in October of this past season for misdemeanor possession and admitting to smoking blunts in his SUV. The Super Bowl MVP (indeed) missed a grand total of one game.

Leroy Hill would make $8.3 million if he receives the Franchise Tag in 2009. That’s nothing to shake a stick at, sure. But if he could get some long term security, garner a higher profile, and play closer to his family would that be worth faking a misdemeanor weed arrest?

To be blunt, yes.

Sometime between Sunday Night and Monday Morning, beloved Seattle icon, Tuba Guy, passed away.  He had been the victim of beating and robbery on October 25th which left him with head wounds and he was at home after a stay at the hospital.  Tuba Guy was a fixture in Seattle sports.  Any game you went to, even Storm games, would have that familiar plodding sound as you neared the stadium or arena.

Not only was he adept at the tuba, but he was also the inventor of the Tuba Guy Dance, which, according to him, he invented “sometime around 1985.”  To a casual observer, the dance simply looked like a man marching in place.  Upon closer examination, one could truly see the intricacies of his movement.  Looking at his feet you could see that this man is truly tuba to the bone.  His feet would lift up and down in the same plodding style as his tuba playing – never waivering and always on tempo.  Fast or slow, no matter what the song, Tuba Guy would make the dance work.

His torso would never move.  It was his base, his foundation, and it powered the entire machinery.  His arms were fully extended at about a 45 degree angle.  His fists balled tight to control the power that he could unleash if he was a careless man.  With each step the arms would rise then fall.  Each rising degree cautiously monitored.

His face would convey a wide range of emotion.  Pure concentration when the team was doing poorly, as if he could single-handedly will the team to play better with each determined step.  Pure joy when the team was rolling.  Then we get to the delicious cherry on top of this sundae – the Tuba Guy’s hat.  Sometimes it was a hamburger, a pizza, or a hotdog.  The more irrelevant the better.

If you were ever lucky enough to see the Tuba Guy actually inside the game, then you would be treated to the entire spectrum of the Tuba Guy Dance.  During Mariner games, any song that came over the PA, including every player’s at-bat music, commercials on the big screen, or the Mexican Hat Dance, Tuba Guy would dutifully stand up and dance away.

The only thing better than seeing the Tuba Guy Dance was to join in on the Tuba Guy Dance yourself.

I decided to miss attending this one in person just in case I needed to commit an emergency suicide.  So come join Bea Arthur (my bong) and I on the couch as we enjoyed this afternoon’s crapfest.

"Sometimes" did not include today.

Continue to read after the jump if you want to relive the punishment:

Pregame:
Today’s game is being broadcast by Versus – the network that nobody knows what number channel it is on.  Looks like they are using the same camera equipment from the Soviet Union that Fox Sports uses.

Cut to some analyst guy catching a fish at Pike Place Market.  Reminder:  Vote Yes on Prop 1 so we can keep seeing this hilarious scenario played out until the end of days.

Joe Beninati and Kelly Stouffer(!!!) are our broadcast team today.  They are expecting a physical game due to Afalava blow to Jake Locker last year.  I wonder what kind of Afalava we are gonna see today, a’a or pahoehoe?  (Note:  I am already 3 Bea Arthur’s deep.)

1st Quarter:

14:54:  Ronnie Fouch lines up in the shotgun for the first play of the game.  WHISTLE.  Delay of game.  Ty deciding to start the game off on the right foot.

13:30:  Long pass by Fouch to D’Andre Goodwin negated by holding penalty on Jordan White-Frisbee.   An unfortunately typical drive leading to a punt.

10:33: Wow, two false start penalties on this drive for Oregon St.  It’s not like the fans in Husky Stadium are causing this though.  I am guessing that a large contingent is still pounding drinks in the parking lot.

…and the Huskies actually hold OSU on 3rd and long and force a punt.  I consider this to be as good as a touchdown for this team.

Commercial for the XL Explorer pizza at Papa John’s tied in with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  So I guess the pizza will look like it will be awesome like other pizzas, but then when you bite into it you will find it to be filled with dog shit.

7:40:  Fouch goes deep again for Goodwin who makes a great adjustment to make the catch.  48 yards.  I like what I’m seeing between these two.  (Ok Manny don’t get your hopes up.  Remember this is the team that has crushed your soul the last few years.)  It was a lucky catch.

5:00:  45-yard field goal coming so that means Jared Ballman will be kicking.   This has block written all over it.  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.  What??  He actually made it! Why is Ryan Perkins even on the team at this point?   Huskies up 3-0.

Stouffer makes an observation that a 3-0 Washington lead is like a 100-0 lead to this team.  Thanks Kelly, we know we suck, but it’s not like we are fielding a team of Special Olympians.

2:30:  After converting on 4th and 1, the Beavers run a fly sweep that James Rodgers runs takes 52-yards for the score.  Beavers up 7-3, or in Stouffer points 950,000-100.

1:26:  Stouffer reveals that Ronnie Fouch’s mom bought him the wrong shaving cream for him, causing a nasty rash on poor Ronnie’s face yesterday – more like Ronnie Ouch!
1:00:  Fouch for Goodwin deep again.  Goodwin called out-of-bounds but we are gonna take another look at this one.  Replay shows that Goodwin had at least one foot down.  However, the call on the field stands and Fouch comes back and throws a big, fat greek interception.   Just the kind of sequence the Husky fans have come to expect the last few seasons.

2nd Quarter:

14:15:  OSU hits a field goal.  10-3

11:30:  Terrence Dailey gets absolutely crushed by Afalava who leads with his head with this tackle again.  Hopefully the ghost of Curtis Williams will come back and haunt him.  Seriously, the dude is begging to be paralyzed.

11:00:  FUMBLE!  OSU recovers.  Shit.  Must soothe nerves…

Ease that pain...

8:50:  Beavers score on a nice 30-yard screen to James Rodgers again.  17-3.

7:30:  Fouch completes another nice pass to Goodwin.  The ball is perfect, with just enough touch to make it over the covering corner and hit Goodwin in stride.  It’s the kind of pass that I don’t think we are ever going to see Locker make.

3:30:  Ballman misses a 40-yarder.  Looks like UW is settling into the norm.

1:00:  Fouch to Goodwin again.  46-yards this time.  This seems to be the only offense that UW can muster.  This leads to a 44-yard field goal by Ballman with 0:25 left.

Halftime:
Huskies lingering around thanks to the Fouch-Goodwin express.  Goodwin has 122 yards at half.  Oregon St. has been finding huge holes in the Husky defense.  Knowing that Ty has about as much motivational power as my couch, a bag of weed, and a Man vs. Wild marathon, I expect UW won’t stay close for long.  Speaking of which, I wonder what’s on the Discovery Channel right now…

3rd Quarter:

13:18:  My favorite guy on defense, Mason Foster, is hurt.  Luckily he walks off under his own power and will hopefully be back.

8:30:  Backjizz Rodgers finds the end zone and the Beavers are pulling away 24-6.

4:00:  Ryan Perkins comes in to kick a 36-yarder.  Why the fuck would you do this?  Just stick with the fucking Ballman.  Perkins misses left, big surprise.

2:19:  Fouch takes a hit but completes a nice long ball to Jordan Polk.
…and we go into the 4th Quarter with an interception by Afalava.  Fuck you dude.  Seriously.

4th Quarter:

11:59:  Terrence Dailey blows through the defense for a huge 50-yard touchdown!  Just when I was thinking about how the Huskies were probably the most boring team to watch play offense…they go and do something moderately exciting.

7:30:  A bizarre little bit where the sideline guy, Lewis Johnson, decides to talk about how much Teo’Nesheim loves mayonnaise (“Mayo for Teo”).  Apparently he eats it on everything.  To demonstrate this point, there is a nice spread on a table of the following:  peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich, mayonnaise stew, mayonnaise lasagna, Fruit Loops and mayonnaise, Ho-Ho’s and mayonnaise, and mayonnaise brownies.  This is really the best you can expect considering Versus’ $50 production budget.

I think it’s time to get the fuck out of here.  What else is on TV now?  Ah yes! Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties – this will keep the razors from my wrists for a couple hours.

Check back in informs me that the final score was 34-13.  We suck.

Here are some capital knockers though:

Ah boobs. Making me forget about the hurt since 1981.

That’s right… we’re talking about a 2 foot long salmon sausage with basil cream cheese and grilled onions.  They’re even getting the Sausage from Uli’s, which for my money is the second best sausage joint in Seattle to these guys (Go ahead and click the link.  Then go eat there.  We can wait…). 

But is this really just an attempt to appeal to the foodies in the lower levels or is there something more going on here?  Who might be distracted by the sight of massive sausages flapping around between multiple hands, needing someone to, um, manipulate it.

Oh yeah.  Him. 

What a savvy play by Holmgren. I give Smoot one quarter before he’s running into the stands and dry humping the aisle dividers.  As an added bonus, if you don’t have someone to have sex in the stall with when you’re at Qwest, now you’ve got an option to raise the 12th Man Flag by yourself, if you know what I mean.  And I mean you would be having sex with 24 inches of processed seafood product.  Also in development for future gameday menus: Boss Hogg-esque piles of ribs and hamburgers in every row for when Andy Reid and the Eagles come to town, these candies for the Pats, and a few plans for the Cardinals depending on who is starting at QB… either a special of old flappy tuna or 18 year old scotch.    

Who’s hungry?

San Francisco are the no longer the 49ers. They are the nine balls. Or the nines. As detailed in last year’s preview, this term originates from my buddy J Weidz(take that Simmons!), Bay born and bred. A nine ball is someone or something that is acting irrationally/stupid. Much like this franchise recently.

Since San Francisco’s last playoff year in 2002, they are 25-56. That’s more than two losses for every win, folks. After a disastrous 2-14 year under Dennis Erickson in 2004, former Ravens assistant Mike Nolan was brought on board to restore the glory. Does anything say “The thing is, we really don’t care” like hiring Dennis Erickson in the pros? I say no.

After three years of more of the same Nolan is now coaching for his job. The stress has clearly gotten to him. In an effort to fix up a now annually floundering offense, Nolan brought in GURU Mike Martz.

This hiring brings to mind a sequence from John Feinstein’s excellent book Next Man Up about the Ravens disappointing 2005 campaign. During a game against Buffalo then Ravens offensive coordinator Matt Cavanaugh went in with a pass heavy (Kyle Boller) game plan to compensate for the injured Jamal Lewis. At one point Boller threw for no gain on first down, incomplete on second, and then got bailed out by a 12 yard run from Chester Taylor on third down. The next first down Boller threw incomplete again prompting an explosion from Nolan.

“What the hell are you doing!”…”Pass, pass, pass, what the fuck are you thinking?”

So, you tell me how this Mike Nolan – Mike Martz relationship is going to work.

Offense

Citing a dramatically improved completion percentage from 2005 to 2006, I really thought Alex Smith was going to be decent in 2007. Oops. Turns out he’s on the Ki-Jana Carter plan for former 1st overall selections. In retrospect, he played in a Urban Meyer’s spread at Utah so everyone should have seen this coming. Gimmick offense + sub par competition = unreliable predictor of pro success.

So here come the Martzes. Out: Alex Smith, In: J.T. O’Sullivan. In: the ghost of Isaac Bruce, and Cardinals first round bust Bryant Johnson. Bryant Johnson is an interesting player. He’s in the Vladimir Radmanovich mold in terms of all the talent, none of the drive. Johnson has fantastic speed and good hands, but could really care less. I admire a healthy disregard for god-given ability in a man from an aesthetic standpoint. But if I were trying to, say, “win games” – I wouldn’t necessarily want guys like that around.

“Hmm, let’s try this: You’re benched.”

Really though when you talk about the 49ers offense you’re talking about Frank Gore. After a monster 2006 where Frank Gore touched the ball over 370 times, he predictably regressed a little last year due to overuse. In 2007 Gore saw a more reasonable 313 touches, which is more palatable from a career longevity standpoint.

Michael Turner’s week one explosion aside, Frank Gore is the premier freight train in the NFL. He is just a frightening combination of size (listed falsely at 215), speed, and aggression. Gore rightly strikes fear into opposing defensive fronts, especially if said fronts are undersized (read: Seahawks). The problem for Gore is that San Francisco must show an ability to make teams pay downfield for putting 8 in the box.

Defense

Similar to their offensive line, the 49ers defensive line really doesn’t allow the top notch players they have to shine. They attempted to address this problem by selecting North Carolina DT Kentwan Balmer in first round. Paired with behemoth Isaac Sopoaga (listed absurdly light at 325) there’s hope up the middle on the d-line.

The problem is on the edge, where the nines have no one who can get to the quarterback. They signed Cincinnati washout Justin Smith to bring something, but it’s pretty much a bag of poop for them at DE. If you haven’t noticed, most all good teams have premier players at that spot because of how disruptive good ends can be to opposing offenses (see Giants, New York – Superbowl)

The lack of a pass rush limits the effectiveness of last year’s free agent coup Nate Clements. Clements is a lock down corner, but even the best can only cover for so long. Opposing QBs have time to drop back, do their taxes while they wait for receivers to clear, and then feast against the Nines. By the time the team addresses this problem, Clements will be in his twilight years. The NFL is cruel.

San Francisco ranked 22nd in passing yards allowed last year, but only 29th in interceptions. I think their bad ranking in passing yards is actually inflated by the fact that teams don’t really need to air it out to beat them. It doesn’t take a ton of points to put them away, after all.

The unquestioned star of the defense is second year inside linebacker Pat Willis. The pro bowl selection is a lightning fast tackling machine. With San Francisco’s decent size in the middle of the d line and an offense that will keep the defense on the field, Willis is primed for another huge statistical year.

Intangibles/Projection

Mike Nolan and Mike Martz go together like pancakes and goat urine. I feel bad for Nolan, who I think is a good coach who walked into an impossible situation. The Martz hire reeks of desperation and can only end poorly. “Pass, pass, pass, what the fuck are you thinking?”

The best thing the Nines have going for them is that teams play to the level of competition in the NFL. Good teams don’t want to show anything out of their playbook against them, which will lead to an illusion of competitiveness. Not any more wins mind you, but competitive losses. I see 4-6 wins, and if they don’t draft a defensive end in the first round next year I will be shocked. At least Mike Nolan will look sharp.

(But win one could easily come this Sunday against a reeling Seahawks squad whose deficiencies play right into Nine Ball hands.)

Stats courtesy of Pro Football Reference

Next Man Up – John Feinstein (Amazon – a steal at $7.99)

Jesus Christ. I just went back and read my preview of the 2007 Arizona Cardinals. Not to pat myself on the back (read: to pat myself on the back), but that is a fucking odyssey. The bar has been set.

Constable Echelon celebrates the upcoming NFL season by previewing the hometown Seattle Seahawks’ opponents in the NFC West.

2008 will mark the Cardinals’ 21st year in the desert (Moses is nonplussed). During this span they have managed a playoff appearance. When I say “a” in that last sentence I pronounce it with the short vowel sound a la Wayne referring to the gun rack Stacy bought him in the seminal 90s buddy pic Philadelphia.

The year was 1998 where the plucky birds, led by second year QB Jake Plummer on offense and CB Aeneas (Anus) Williams on D, overcame locker room cancer Pat Tillman to defeat Troy Aikman’s concussions and effectively end the run of Dallas’ Big Three. This was presumably before the NFL’s defensive coordinators learned that Jake Plummer had a touch of the Rick Mirer disease where he couldn’t throw to one side of the field, and Jake left the league to pursue a career in semi-competitive handball.

The point is, not a lot of success for the Cardinals in Arizona. This decade of Cardinals Football has been marked by almost yearly declarations that they will be the surprise team that comes from nowhere to win their division. This is followed every fall by clumsy retractions where people realize, “Oh yeah. These are the Cardinals!” Talent is an anagram of latent for a reason, people.

Offense:

Though less heralded than Cleveland coup Joe Thomas, Arizona’s 2007 first round choice LT Levi Brown panned out quite nicely last year. Here’s a picture of Mr. Brown in his down time.

(Nothing says quiet confidence like, “I have a rope and reserve the right to tie you up.” Also impressive in that picture is Levi Brown’s apparent ability to conjure up items pictured in wallpaper.)

Levi Brown and LG Deuce Latui form the best left side in the NFC West. Remember when that used to be the Seahawks? Me too. 2008 will mark the first year in many that Arizona will be bringing back their entire offensive line – just the type of fleeting appearance of competence that has me mildly frightened for the nascent Whisenhunt-era.

Of course a strong left side would be of greater benefit if QB of the present/future Matt Leinart weren’t left handed. Coach Ken has tabbed the former USC star to start despite his being outperformed last year by Kurt Warner. Warner threw an improbable 27 TDs last year. That’s only one less than Brett Favre managed and in 5 fewer starts. So how about a Sportscenter Special on that shit, ESPN?

And a strong offensive line would be of greater benefit if Arizona could manage to locate a running back capable of a sub 5 second forty yard dash. Instead they’re stuck with at least one more year of Edgerrin James, backed up by bigger and slower Marcel Shipp, backed up by big and slow rookie Tim Hightower. This offense would be frightening if this team had managed to hang on to Thomas Jones all those years ago.

The best part of the Cardinals remains their dynamic receiving duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Quan is maybe my favorite player in the league, and if the Cardinals can somehow be convinced to trade their disgruntled banger to the Seahawks we will win the Super Bowl. Former first rounder Bryant Johnson has been jettisoned in division to the Nine Balls, and replaced by Early Doucet.

Early Doucet is a French term for when you wake up with an upset stomach in the wee hours, and drag yourself to a brief yet relieving bathroom trip that allows for 4+ more hours of sleep. The trick with the Early Doucet is just to do it. Don’t try to sleep through it. Football-wise, Doucet offers less of the eye popping combine measurables that Johnson boasted of in exchange for old timey production and craft.

Defense:

Arizona had to be thrilled last year when DT Alan Branch fell to them in the second round. Turns out the questions about his character were legitimate so far though, as he managed a scant 9 tackles last year in 11 games. In fairness this might have nothing to do with his character. I don’t know the guy. He might just suck. The D-Line is a big question mark this year for the Cards.

At linebacker 5th year man Karlos Dansby has improved season after season. That’s the good. The bad? They’ve converted Chike Okeafor to be the other OLB. Good luck with that.

The Cardinals secondary features the most interesting change, where former 8th overall pick Antrel Rolle has been moved from corner to free safety. Rolle apparently was a little bit of a liability in man coverage, and the coaching staff hopes that the move to safety will allow him to focus more on his undeniable ball hawking ability. Makes sense to me. Between him and SS Adrian Wilson, Arizona has one of the best safety duos in the NFL. Scary.

I’ll just have to keep repeating to myself that they can neither stop the run or get to the quarterback.

Intangibles/Projection:

Last year was supposed to be different. Accepted wisdom was that Arizona and rookie head coach Ken Whisenhunt would need a few years to sort out the wreckage from the Dennis Green Retirement Fund Tour. Unburdened from their usual baseless-ly high expectations, the Cardinals put together their best year of the decade finishing 8-8. This year, the expectations are back. That’s why I think they’ll only win 6 games. The tricky part is, that might actually be the best scenario for this burgeoning team. Just one more high draft pick, another year of seasoning for the young foundation, a power vacuum in the NFC West following Holmgren’s retirement, and 2009 might actually be the year that Arizona delivers on their mercurial promise. Just not quite yet.

(Stats courtesy of Pro Football Reference)

So by now you’ve heard about this NFL Fan Code Of Conduct being rolled out across the league this year.  You’ve also probably heard that when they looked for inspiration the league looked at the Seahawks 2007 Code of Conduct for behavior at Qwest Field.  The Hawks have had one in place for four years.  The NFL’s press release contains this nugget:

In addition to the fan code of conduct, the NFL and its clubs will evaluate fan feedback and existing programs to ensure their effectiveness and shape the development of new programs.

Ok then.  Allow me to provide some fan feedback regarding the above picture from this weekend’s preseason game, encouraging fans to rat out fellow fans via phone or text message to have them ejected…

This is too much, and it’s going to become more of a hassle than it’s worth.  Alcohol enforcement crews make sense.  Having ushers at every aisle makes sense.  Putting these judgment calls in the hands of any douchebag with a cell phone and a ticket is a cute, but extremely nearsighted idea.  Allow me to present a brief hypothetical: I am at a professional football contest at Qwest field.  I happen to be in the same section as some away fans.  What’s stopping me from sending texts and phone calls accusing every away fan I see of ruining my gameday experience?  On the flip side, what’s to stop any away fan from sending boo-hoo calls to complain about being hassled (you’re an away fan.  fuck you.  it comes with the territory)?  Who gets to decide whether or not the behavior really was “PG” or not?  The fans in the section?  Will it be done with an applause-o-meter? 

So basically you’re just creating a complaint department that has no way of truly knowing how to solve any dispute, be it fake or real.  If you’re that concerned, why not go the Veterans Stadium route and put a courtroom in the basement?

Nope, I don’t like this at all.  And that hurts, because I love applause-o-meters.