I follow my favorite soccer team like a civilized sports fan. I check the score of Everton’s game after it happens. If they win? I read it. If they lose close? I read it to see how they blew it. Mild pleasure or mild displeasure – the process takes two minutes either way. Then I’m on to the rest of my day.

With the Huskies, I sit there and watch agonizing possession after agonizing possession. I know they’re not going to get their act together, and that the tone of the game is not going to miraculously change three quarters of the way through. I feel awful while it is happening. Then I feel awful afterward. A lot of the good feeling I get when they win is relief. This is a long-winded way of saying that I am resolved to stop watching blowouts earlier.

Knuckle up, buckleheads. If I like the games they’re in bold.

01.14.10

Arizona State @ Oregon

Oregon thought they were the cat’s pajamas after sweeping the Washington schools on the road. Then they tanked to the Beavs in the last Civil War at Mac Court. In what will reveal it self to be a running theme, I have no idea what is going on in this conference.

I think the phrase “cat’s pajamas” implies getting a cat to accept wearing pajamas. In most cases this would not be cool. You would have made clothes for your cat – not cool. Then the cat would scratch you when you tried to put the pajamas on, and run around until they fell off – not cool. But if the cat somehow accepted the pajamas and then hung out with a bubble pipe? Weird, and probably cool. Far-fetched though.

Arizona @ Oregon State

Is Craig Robinson going to make chicken salad of that Seattle U loss? Was it a crazy ploy to lull Oregon into a false sense of security before the rivalry game? Was it worth it? (No.) The wig-less first lady perplexes.

Cal @ Washington State

Just when everything played out for Cal to get decidedly in the driver’s seat, they dropped an OT game at home to UCLA. The same UCLA that lost to Cal-State Fullerton and Long Beach State. Indefensible. I thought everyone agreed that UCLA would only win 4 games in conference this year. C’mon team! Kick them when they’re down!

Stanford @ Washington

I am totally irrational when it comes to the Huskies. I actually think that the problem with this team is their haircuts. “When we didn’t have mohawks we were good! Now everyone has a mohawk and we suck! It’s the mohawks!” This ignores the fact that Elston Turner has the most absurd hair on the team, and appears to be our least intimidated player.

01.16.10

Cal @ Washington

A preseason conference title game. Now Washington is struggling to reassert itself in the middle of the Pac. It was beyond disappointing to watch Washington wilt in the face of palpable animosity from the Arizona State fans. I would have thought Venoy Overton and Isaiah Thomas would have relished being hated. Instead of “THEY HATE US!!” we got “Wait, they hate us?” Our players have feelings. This troubles me.

Arizona @ Oregon

I feel confident that whatever team finds itself in position to really capitalize on this game will blow it. Everyone in the conference is going to finish 8-10 somehow. Then Seattle U will win the conference tournament despite the notable handicap of not being eligible to play in it. No bids I say! How about that Momo Jones for Arizona, though? Nice player. Born Lamont, he hails from Harlem. This means he can answer both the practical and aesthetic elements of the query, “Where Harlem at?”

Stanford @ Washington State

These teams are just going to do the little things at one another until one of them folds – like a hall monitor dance off.

Robin Thicke Game of the Week

Arizona State @ Oregon State

Mmmm bap. Mmmm bap. Gotcha off guard in a half court trap. Gotcha ya girlfriend ‘fore she caught the clap. Mmmm bap. Mmmm bap. Who ordered these boneless wings? Would a side of bleu cheese put the stank on these things? Mmmm bap. Mmmm bap.

I like basketball because it involves a bunch of fellas trying to put it in the hole. While that happens, I fuck everything. You amateurs, there is no time for athletic representations of sex! Only sex!

USC @ UCLA

Shades of that football game a couple years ago where both USC and UCLA wore their home uniforms. USC was charged a timeout for the infraction, so UCLA called a meaningless timeout right away so nobody would have any excuses. USC self-imposed sanctions in light of the OJ Mayo scandal. In the interest of fair play, UCLA decided to be bad.

JINX ALERT: YESTERDAY’S PAC-10 TOURNEY PICKS WENT 2-0. IMMACULATE BRACULET STILL IN PLAY.

Image: pwbeat.publishersweekly.com

A week ago at this time I was enjoying day one of a long weekend with my wife out of town. How did I celebrate? By doing the exact same shit I do when she’s here….except guilt free!

It was magical. If I like a game it’s in bold.

Arizona vs. #23 Arizona State

The Wildcats were swept by the Sun Devils in the regular season. Both games went down to the wire and featured questionable officiating, which is another way to say “Pac-10 game”. Arizona likely needs this game to ensure they extend their quarter century long NCAA Tourney streak. I think Arizona will be able to push the tempo a little bit and exact some revenge for the earlier losses. LOLCats!

Image: kloudstriker.com
Freshly learned lesson: Don’t GIS “LOLCats” unless you have some time to kill.

Stanford vs. #10 Washington

I don’t know what I can safely say about this game. To me the contest comes down to Stanford’s convictions. Are they going to believe what the standings tell them? Because if they do the standings tell them they don’t belong on the same floor as the Huskies. Or are they going to believe their experience? Stanford played UW very tough up in Seattle, as well as for 3/4ths of the game in Palo Alto. Instrumental here in establishing Stanford’s sense of belief will be Coach Dawkins. I’m not altogether sure Dawkins isn’t a zombie. “No pulse” is what I’m trying to say.

I think a second crucial factor is that Stanford played a game less than 24 hours prior to the tipoff of this one. All things being equal (and they aren’t) I have to take the Dawg Show!

USC vs. Cal

These teams split the regular season, and that makes sense. Cal’s advantage against most teams comes from a slew of big guards they can run out. Patrick Christopher, Theo Robertson (listed at F but get real), and the Mexican guy (quick search: Gutierrez) all can impose themselves physically on the opposition. But USC has the giants to match in Hackett, Lewis, DeRozan, and co. Tough call on talent alone, but that’s why teams have coaches: so I know who to gamble on. Montgomery>>>>>>Floyd. Bears!

Image: vancouverisland.travel

Washington State vs. #14 UCLA

I know WSU just beat UCLA. I don’t see it happening again, especially with the Cougs on back-to-back duty.

Tourney record: 2-0

Whenever I have exact change for a purchase I consider it a total in-your-face move to the cashier.

Cashier (disinterested):
That will be $5.02.

Me (inappropriate condescension giving way to even less appropriate macho posturing):
Ohhhhhh, let me just reach into my pocket and….FUCK YOU! YOU DID NOT SEE THIS SHIT COMING! I HAVE MADE YOUR JOB EASIER BY FAILING TO PREVIOUSLY GET RID OF THESE PENNIES!”

Image: codeodor.com

So basketball… Entertaining sport, that. If I like the games they’re in bold.

2/26
Arizona @ Washington State

Arizona needs this game all of a sudden with Washington looming over the weekend. And Washington State has to be feeling pretty good about themselves (harumph) after surprising UCLA. I’ll be damned if Klay Thompson isn’t good, by the way. He has double figures in 11 of 15 conference games with a solid sprinkling of 20 point efforts.

Unrelated, but saw this video yesterday. Weird.

#19 UCLA @ Stanford

So, this Stanford team didn’t end up being so great. They’ve only won one of their last eight conference games. And the team they beat was WSU three weeks ago. And if you think this is an instance of me tweaking a stat to make WSU look bad, you may be on to something.

USC @ Cal

Mike Montgomery and Tim Floyd are a real study in contrasts. Montgomery works the refs with a wink and a nudge through the press all week. Tim Floyd blusters and sweats all game at perceived injustice. They’re like Clive Davis vs. Ike Turner. One is a pro and the other is amateur hour.

But to be fair, Ike had his share of hits. OOOOOH!

#11 Arizona State @ #21 Washington

Sendek’s style is based on precise cuts and passing. Lots of straight lines and linear equations. Romar’s style is based on exploding your style. Lots of sine waves and fractions with 0 as the denominator.

Sendek’s style belies a rampant egotism and deep seated need to control all aspects of the proceedings. Romar’s style indicates a vast humility and recognition that precise outcomes cannot be conjured at will, instead merely suggested.

This is not a basketball games. This is a struggle between polar opposite metaphysical worldviews. We are floating in space. God help us all.

Image: emanueleferonato.com

2/28
Arizona @ #21 Washington

UA’s season so far:
OMG ARIZONA IS TERRIBLE!
OMG ARIZONA IS BACK!

During Zona’s six game conference winning streak they beat the Washington schools at home, the Oregon schools on the road, and the LA schools at home. They’re not terrible. They’re not back. They’re in the middle, and flawed, like most everyone else.

#11 Arizona State @ Washington State

#11? In the country? Really? Arizona State has no average Pac-10 athletes after their big two. WSU already beat them once in Tempe. They’re going to beat them again on senior night in the Palouse.

Why? Because Tony Bennett wears a tie on senior night, and Pullman is so boring this causes everyone to lose their shit.

USC @ Stanford

Yuck. Pass.

Robin Thicke Game of the Week

Photo: soulculture.wordpress.com

#19 UCLA @ Cal
What’s lately, girl? Want some stubble in ya bubble? Robin Thicke. Ooooooowwww.

Long story short the girl just went a little bonkers. She was spinning herself around on a barstool with her skirt hiked up while Lopez and I took turns jumping off a mini trampoline at her spread eagled with our flies down. And that night is why my junk looks like a Tetris piece.

3/1
Oregon State @ Oregon

Oregon really blew this by beating Stanford last week. But look! It’s March! The month where as a nation we celebrate insanity!